Santa Claus, December 22, 2012

The Town Hall

New York, NY


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Santa Claus

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GK: And we have a special guest coming in right now (BELLS, OFF)—making his annual appearance on our show—(TR: Ho ho ho, OFF) It's Santa.

TR (SANTA): Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas.

GK: You look great. Have you lost weight?

TR: Well, yes. Thanks for asking. I've been on a cleanse. I've been eating snow. It really works. Ho ho ho.

GK: Well, Christmas is just a few days away so how is everything up at the North Pole?

TR (SANTA): Ohhh you don't want to know. Ho boy.

GK: What happened? Something wrong?

TR (SANTA): I don't want to get into it. Health insurance for elves ---- you got any idea what that costs??? Unbelievable. And the ice cap is melting and the reindeer have some sort of ear infection that makes them nauseous when we run into turbulent air. And the number of kids expecting me on Christmas Eve is getting bigger and bigger and the stockings now are two or three times the size of a kid's stockings -----these are stockings for elephants. And there's no snow in New York and ---- you ever hear a sleigh landing on bare pavement?

TR (SANTA): It's like fingernails on the chalkboard. It wakes kids up and they all come downstairs and I have to stop and have my picture taken, and I get behind and I have to rush through the Central and Mountain and Pacific Time Zones and then over to Hawaii and I'm not getting any younger. You know?

GK: Well. Good luck, Santa. I'm sure the reindeer will feel better by the time Christmas rolls around.

TR (SANTA): I sure hope so.

GK: Those guys have been real troupers, year after year after year. Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen and --

TR (SANTA): That Vixen. She is a troublemaker from way back.

GK: Vixen is a female?

TR (SANTA): Of course. That's why we named her that.

GK: Oh. Okay. And Comet and Cupid----

TR (SANTA): Comet was very sick. He ate some toilet bowl cleanser.

GK: And Donner and Blitzen----

TR (SANTA): It's Dunder, not Donner.

GK: Okay. And Blitzen.

TR (SANTA): Blitzen retired last year. He was replaced by Kevin.

GK: So it's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen and Comet and Cupid and Donner and Kevin. And Rudolph.

TR (SANTA): Right. The big star reindeer. Our diva with his publicity person and his manager and an agent handling product endorsements. We call him, A-Rude. Don't get me started. Anyway, thanks for letting me talk—merry Christmas. Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho ho! (JINGLES, SANTA, OFF).

GK: Well there you have it folks. Christmas. Lots of problems but Santa is moving ahead.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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