GK: Those of you here in the Gammage auditorium, as the lights come down, if you should feel movement around your ankles, please do not panic. It may be the feet of the person behind you, it is not necessarily a reptile. Right, Lieutenant Russell:
TR: That’s right. Lieutenant Jack Russell here, Maricopa County SWAT team ----- whenever we have a show, particularly in the winter months, we conduct a thorough search for rattlesnakes who come in through the fresh-air vents and we remove as many of them as we find but of course there’s no way to guarantee ---- and then of course there’s the scorpion and tarantula problem ---- speaking of which------
GK: Yes? What’s wrong?
TR: Don’t move. Stand very still. Don’t breathe. Hold still. I----- just have to------ (WHACK). There. Got him. (SKRITCH) No, sorry----- (WHACK, WHACK, WHACK) There. Got him. Wily little buggers.
GK: What was it?
TR: Rare species of tarantula called the Tarantino tarantula, a.k.a. the Widow Maker. Pretty common around here.
GK: Well, thank you. So that’s what the SWAT team does.
TR: We swat tarantulas, spiders, whatever deadly critters we see on people or near people and about to be on people –----
GK: Well, thank you, Lieutenant Jack Scott for dropping by, Maricopa County -----
TR: Hold on. Hold on. Just a sec. See up there on the catwalk above the balcony?
GK: What is that?
TR: Reason we call it a cat walk is----- right up there---- see it?
GK: That shadow?
TR: Cougar. Mountain lion. Come in here hoping to find a javelina.
GK: You get javelinas in here too?
TR: Now and then. You never know. Just keep talking like normal, I’m getting a bead on him right now-----
GK: Keep talking about what?
TR: Got my blowgun right here. (BLOWGUN) There. Got him with an anesthetic-tipped dart ----- (COUGAR SNARL, OFF) takes a minute to work----- (COUGAR WEAK SNARL) Okay, boys, move in and bag him. (MANLY TALK, OFF)
GK: Well, appreciate you dropping by Lieutenant Jack Russell, Maricopa County SWAT team.....
TR: If you use the lavatory, remember to always check under the toilet seat before you sit down.
GK: Under the seat-----
TR: Always lift up the seat and check under it. And when you wash your hands at the sink, run the water for a few seconds before you put your hands down there.
GK: Okay. Is there a reason for that?
TR: Just do it. Okay?
GK: But why?
TR: You don’t want to know.
GK: I do want to know.
TR: Water snakes.
GK: Water snakes....
TR: Tiny water snakes.
GK: Okay. Lieutenant Jack Russell, Maricopa County SWAT team.....
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).