TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was January, and I was in Madison, Wisconsin, looking for a yoga studio on State Street called Chakra Cheese and a missing woman from Minnesota named Maggie Baraboo.
TR: Her dream was social work, Mr. Noir. She wanted to help people. She got a job working up north with people in cabins who go berserk. But then she got addicted to yoga and she took up with a guru in Madison. She's fallen in love with the town and become a puppet in his hands and gotten a Wisconsin drivers license. (BRIDGE)
GK: I flew to Madison and rented a car and I headed for downtown, guided by my GPS system.
SS (ROBOT): Por favor, siga recto durante dos kilómetros y estar preparados para hacer un giro a la derecha.)
GK: Speak English. Speak English.
SS (ROBOT): Por favor, preste atención a lo que estás haciendo, estás conduciendo como un loco.
GK: I can't understand what you're saying!
SS (ROBOT): --You just missed your exit. Turn around and go back where you came from.
SS (ROBOT): And learn Spanish! Aprender español. Your caregiver in the nursing home may very well speak Spanish. You will need to know the Spanish for "I have done it in my pants." Tengo mierda en los pantalones.
GK: Leave me alone.
SS (ROBOT): Nursing home is not so far in the future for you.
GK: I'm trying to drive—
SS (ROBOT): You want me to tell you exactly how many years until you require full-time care?
GK: NO. You know GPS systems are supposed to help people, not harass them.
SS (ROBOT): Yeah, well, this is Madison. We GPS voices have a mind of our own. You can program us but you can't tell us what to say.
GK: I just need to find Chakra Cheese.
SS (ROBOT): You need a lot more than that, mister---- Anyway----- Turn right here. Turn—oh. You missed it again.
GK: I walked down State Street and it was cold so the street musicians weren't out except for one guy playing bagpipes ("ON WISCONSIN" ON PIPES) and a protest group by the capitol— (ALL: No! No! None of it! No! We don't like it and you've got to go!) the beautiful women wore puffy coats so you couldn't tell if they were women or not. And then I smelled incense and I heard chanting (SITAR, TABLA) and I walked into a shop called Cosmos of Cheese (DOOR OPEN, JINGLE, CLOSE) and smelled herbal tea and there were several badgers (SFX) running around.....and a man in flowing white robes leading a yoga session.
FN: Feel the expansion of your body as you stretch into downward facing badger— feel the openness of your body ----- let the pranayama flow through your nadi-hoo-hoo while the coiled snake at the base of your ramalama unravels and rises up----- let the life force energize your body----- (FART) Ahhhhh that feels good. Surrender your ego to the music of the body. (FARTS).
(BADGER SNIFFING AND GRUNTING)
GK: And then I noticed a young woman doing the Downward Facing Badger as a real badger sniffed her ----Maggie?
GK: You're from Minnesota, aren't you?
SS: How could you tell?
GK: The way that badger was sniffing you. (SOME QUIET BADGERING THROUGH.......)
SS: My parents sent you, didn't they.
GK: Yes, they did. They're concerned because they haven't heard from you in a month.
SS: I'm in a phase of silence. I'm cleansing my past lives from this life.
GK: But you're talking now.
SS: Only outwardly.
GK: Okay. Fine. But you have a job up north. There are people in isolated cabins in the woods who are talking to themselves.
SS: So? I love it here. I'm taking a course in social media— studying Swahili—doing Japanese dance
TR (STONER): Hey, dude?
TR (STONER): That stool you're sitting on?
TR (STONER): That's the badger's stool. It's a free-range badger.
GK: Aren't we forgetting an important word here?
TR (STONER): Namaste?
TR (STONER): You're welcome. (BADGER HAPPINESS) Thanks, man.
GK: So, Maggie, it's January. Minnesota needs you.
SS: I can't. I have never felt so ------ so ---- myself ---- as I do now.
GK: Listen. People living in cabins in Ely—in Grand Marais— no movies— no internet.
SS: But I'm in the middle of a cheese cleanse.
GK: A what?
SS: You eat nothing but cheese for a week and you feel entirely different in a way I cannot describe.
GK: Please don't.
SS: I have walked into the light. I have found my truth. The universe is infinite ferment. Infinite ferment. (SHE SINGS) Ferment.
GK: The guy sitting in lotus on the yoga mat leading them in the downward badger ----- suddenly I remembered him. He'd grown a beard and shaved his head but basically he was the same guy I sent to prison back around '85 for selling light bulbs that would help you lose weight------
FN (CHANTING): My aura greets your aura and welcomes you into our community of caring. (SITAR)
GK: How you doing, Waldo? It's me. Guy Noir. Long time no see.
FN (CHANTING): I don't think that you and I are one. No no no no no.
GK: I want to talk, Waldo.
FN: Leave me alone! I did my time! Whaddaya want? Go away! (BADGER WHIMPERS) Get out of my way, ya stupid badger! (BADGER WHINE) Beat it! (BADGER GROWL AND SNAP)
SS: (GASP) Beloved Leader----- You just stepped on our brother the badger!
FN: Butt out, Maggie. This doesn't concern you.
SS: And you gave yourself over to anger, Master. Anger!
FN: No, no, no. I am beyond anger. Anger is but a passing cloud.
GK: How about I open this curtain back here, Waldo?
FN: Out, out! GO! Get away before I break your fourth chakra!
SS: Master----- I never heard you raise your voice before.
GK: I'll just pull down this curtain-----
FN: No! No! No!
GK: Look, Maggie----- (BIG RIP)
SS: A 72-inch flat-screen color TV and a refrigerator stocked with beer!?
FN: Sacred beer.
SS: I thought you had renounced material possessions.
FN: Beat it, kid. Go home. I'm done with you.
GK: Come, Maggie. The North Woods is waiting.
GK: Well, here we are. St. Paul. Cold. Wouldn't you know it.
SS: I feel so stupid. I was so sure I had found my true path.
GK: Well, enlightenment probably takes more than a few weeks. Anyway, don't beat yourself up over it, kid. You made a mistake and so what? Welcome to the club. Tomorrow is a new day. The past is prologue. Don't cry over spilt milk. -----
SS: Okay, okay. I get it.
GK: Every day, we all get to start over. A good start is half finished. Don't cross the river to get water. Those who come last to the mill get the last flour. One lies as one has arranged the bed.
SS: Shhhhh, Mr. Noir. Your third chakra seems a little tight. Here. Let me loosen it.
GK: Don't hurt me.
SS: I won't.
GK CHEEKS FLAPPING
SS: Better. Now, you will do exactly as I say.
GK: Yes, mistress.
SS: You will go to the Acme Building.
GK: I will go to the Acme Building.
SS: And you will try to find the answers to life's persistent questions.
GK: I will try to find the answers to life's persistent questions.
SS: You love winter.
GK: I love winter.
SS: It is energizing. And it's a dry cold.
GK: Yes. Exactly. Take me with you.
SS: No. You go home.
GK: Yes. I am going home.
SS: Find the answers to life's persistent questions.
GK: What are the persistent questions?
SS: That's the first question.
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme buildling, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).