Afton Abbey, February 2, 2013

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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Afton Abbey

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GK: Coming up later on many of these stations…..AFTON ABBEY…..the story of an English family that settled in Minnesota.

(THEME, BRIT ARISTOCRACY)

TR (BRITISH): His Lordship has gone bonkers, Jenkins. Winter has driven him off his rocker.

FN (BRITISH): I heard tootling from the library, sir.

TR (BRITISH): He is in the library in his dressing gown, tootling on his hunting horn. (HUNTING HORN, OFF) There he goes again.

SS (COCKNEY): Mr. Hudson, sir-----

TR (BRITISH): Yes, Maggie? Have you set the drawing room for tea?

SS (COCKNEY): I can't, sir ----- His Lordship is in there.

TR (BRITISH): Oh dear me.

SS (COCKNEY): He is tootling and, sir----

TR (BRITISH): Yes?

SS (COCKNEY): His Lordship is naked as a jaybird.

FN (BRIT): Oh my.

TR (BRITISH): Her Ladyship is due back from Chicago today on the Empire Builder. (SS OFF: HELLOOOOO?? HUDSON????) Oh dear. That's her now.

SS (COCKNEY): What shall we do, Mr. Hudson?

TR (BRITISH): Keep calm and carry on, Maggie.

SS (COCKNEY): Yes, sir.

(LONG SERIES FOOTSTEPS)

SS (HIGH BRIT): Ah there you are, Hudson.

TR (BRIT): Your Ladyship.

SS (HIGH BRIT): That will be all, driver.

FN (DEEP): Yes, ma'am. (DOOR CLOSE)

TR (BRIT): How was your journey, Your Ladyship?

SS (HIGH BRIT): There were strange people on the train, Hudson. All excited about something called the Super Bowl. What is that? Something to do with bowling?

TR (BRIT): No, ma'am. It's football.

SS (HIGH BRIT): I didn't know Americans had football, Hudson.

TR (BRIT): It's not football, ma'am. It's their football ---- where you don't use your feet so much, you throw the ball with your hands.

SS (HIGH BRIT): Oh dear. Someone should set them straight. (HUNTING HORN, OFF) Oh dear, is that His Lordship tootling on his hunting horn?

TR (BRIT): I'm afraid so, Your Ladyship. He misses his dogs, I'm afraid. He wants to go fox hunting.

SS (HIGH BRIT): Oh dear. It's much too cold for that, Hudson. ---- Where is His Lordship, Hudson?

TR (BRIT): He's in the library, ma'am. And tea will be in the drawing room, as Your Ladyship asked.

SS (HIGH BRIT): Thank you, Hudson.

(LONG SERIES OF FOOTSTEPS, BIG DOOR OPENS, HUNTING HORN)

SS (HIGH BRIT): Darling? Darling,

TR (HIGH BRIT, STOPS): Yes, darling.

SS (HIGH BRIT): Stop this infernal tootling and put down the hunting horn and do wrap a curtain around yourself, dear. Oh my my my.

TR (HIGH BRIT): Yes, my love. Very sorry.

SS (HIGH BRIT): And sit down at the tea table and listen to me.

TR (HIGH BRIT): Excellent.

SS (HIGH BRIT): Ask me how my trip was.

TR (HIGH BRIT): Aha. How was your trip, my love?

SS (HIGH BRIT): I saw our broker in Chicago, my dear, and our investment in tea futures was a terrible mistake and we have lost everything. We are as poor as church mice.

TR (HIGH BRIT): Oh dear me.

SS (HIGH BRIT): We haven't a pot to piss in, Arthur. Not even a Go Girl.

TR (HIGH BRIT): What shall we do, my love?

SS (HIGH BRIT): We shall keep calm and carry on, Arthur. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) (DOOR OPENS)

FN (BRIT): Pardon me, Your Ladyship ---- shall we bring in the tea trays now?

SS (HIGH BRIT): Yes, Jenkins.

FN (BRIT): Very good, Your Ladyship. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE) (FOOTSTEPS) Wheredja put the tea trays, Maggie?

SS (COCKNEY): Is he still naked as a jaybird?

FN (BRIT): I didn't look.

SS (COCKNEY): You didn't look????

FN (BRIT): I maintain proper eye contact, I don't look in their laps.

SS (COCKNEY): Well, I'm gonna go put napkins in their laps and I am gonna look in their laps----

FN (BRIT): Come here before you do----

SS (COCKNEY): What you want with me? Hey. Leggo of me. What are you doing?

FN (BRIT): Come. Give us a kiss.

SS (COCKNEY): Who's us?

FN (BRIT): It's me.

SS (COCKNEY): I will not give you a kiss.

FN (BRIT): Come now.

SS (COCKNEY): Owwwwww! Stop squeezing me arm---- Hey---- (BIG RIP) Owwwww, look what you done now. Shame on you. Shame.

(FOOTSTEPS)

TR (BRIT): Jenkins! Maggie!! You were told to serve tea. His Lordship and Her Ladyship are waiting for their tea and you two are out here in the hallway, canoodling with each other.

FN (BRIT): I beg your pardon, Hudson.

TR (BRIT): It's not my pardon that needs begging-----Go change your shirt, wench. And do it now.

SS (COCKNEY): Speaking of begging, Mr. Hudson---- when do we get paid? It's been months.

TR (BRIT): You shall be paid when you deserve your pay, you ignorant fool. Now go change your shirt. (HOUNDS OFF)

SS (COCKNEY): What is that, Mr. Hudson?

TR (BRIT): Good heavens! His Lordship is riding naked on his horse, off to hunt the fox. (HUNTING HORN, OFF, AND HOUNDS)

SS (COCKNEY): He will freeze to death.

TR (BRIT): Yes, probably so. So ---- let us prepare for the memorial service. Jenkins!!!! (FN OFF: Yes, sir) Go to town and buy black bunting. (FN OFF: Yes, sir.) And tell the vicar we shall be needing him in a few hours. Go! (FN OFF): I'm going, sir. (DOOR SLAM) Maggie- you must clean out the upstairs bedrooms and the servants' quarters in the attic----- (SS: Yes, sir.) And lay out fresh towels. The house guests shall be arriving first thing in the morning. Ahhhh, I do love a good memorial service. I shall go polish the silver. (BRIDGE)

GK: That's AFTON ABBEY later on many of these stations.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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