Fritz, February 2, 2013

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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Fritz

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GK: ....brot to you by Fritz Electronics, maker of the Electronic Berry Washer......get one and you’ll wonder how you ever got along without it.

TR: My wife and I almost got a divorce over the issue of washing raspberries and blueberries we bought at the co-op. I argued that the berries had already been washed by the grower and packed in plastic covered containers and to wash them again is to make them tasteless and watery.

SS: Unwashed berries are a carrier of deadly toxins. If you want to kill yourself, why not just eat toilet bowl cleanser.

GK: This marriage was saved by the Electronic Berry Washer from Fritz. The E.B.W. gently sprays the berries with water (SFX) as it vibrates them (SFX) and shoots ultraviolet rays that kill any bacteria (SFX), leaving the berries hygienic and also fresh tasting. And with the Electronic Berry Washer, you get a 10% discount on the Fritz Electric Banana Slicer 245J. It’s been on the market only a few months and already people are raving about it.

TR: My wife and I fought non-stop about how to slice bananas. I like a good thick slice, she thinks a slice of banana should be translucent.

SS: My husband wastes half the banana gouging out the brown spots. It drives me nuts!
TR: We hated breakfast time, what with the bitter accusations flying back and forth. The 245J has changed all of that.

GK: What is different about the 245J? Like its predecessors the 245H and 245I, the J can cut a banana in three seconds to any thickness of slice you wish, but the J has the additional feature of an electric eye that can see brown spots and a laser beam that burns them right off the banana. And an off-loader that places the slices on top of a bowl of cereal. Look at this-----

(SFX. LASER TRIMMER. SLICER. OFF-LOADER.)

GK: And a self-cleaning feature using white-hot flames---- (BLAST OF FLAME).

SS: I love the 245J from Fritz but I must say---- my idiot husband can’t toast bread in the toaster without setting off smoke alarms. I like my toast pale tan and he incinerates it.

GK: He can make toast perfectly with the Fritz L-14 Laser Toaster. You choose the exact shade of toast you want ---- from beige to caramel to charcoal ----- and the toaster’s electric scanner (SFX) examines the texture of the bread and adjusts the heating coils to produce the precise shade you want and eject it (SFX) high in the air so you can catch it in a basket. No more fishing around in the toaster slots with a fork and risking (ELECTRIC SHORT) serious injury ----- the L-14 throws the toast high in the air (SFX) and into your hands. (TR: GOT IT).....and there’s peace in the family at last.

TR: Berry Washer, Banana Slicer, and Toaster, all for less than $1500. Cheap at the price.

SS: Now if they could just make something that could carve a turkey. Boy, what this guy does to a turkey----

TR: What was that, darling?

SS: Never mind.

GK: Fritz Electronics......where invention is a necessity for your mother.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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