Rhubarb, February 2, 2013

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN

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Listen (MP3)


GK: A cold week in Minnesota, as you probably have heard.....

TR (NEWS ANCHOR): ...tonight's low, 21 below with a windchill of 105 degrees below zero.

GK: You need to go buy toilet paper, so you go out and try to start your car. (STARTER, FROZEN, TWO ATTEMPTS) It's frozen solid. You plug in the core heater and go indoors and try to stay busy. You play solitaire on your laptop. (SFX) You clean rotten vegetables out of your refrigerator (SFX) which makes your cats gag (SFX), and you sit down and play the piano, which you haven't touched in years (HESITANT "HEART AND SOUL"), and then you drag out the Nordic Track and take that for a spin (SFX), and then you make popcorn (SFX) and watch some reality shows (FN REDNECK: "I ain't trying to hear that so shut yer dang mouth hole"), and the cat comes and sits in your lap (SFX) and the phone rings (SFX) ----- (PICK UP)

SS: Bob? Hi. Thanks for picking up.

TR: Oh. Hi. Sandy. What's up?

SS: I was wondering if I could come over and bring some hot chocolate. Just for a minute.

TR: Oh. I donno.

SS: We don't have to talk about what happened last night.

TR: Sandy, you and I have broken up about six times in the past two years----

SS: I'm aware of that.

TR: For a reason.

SS: But we've gotten back together five times.

TR: We're just not right for each other.

SS: Maybe not, but couldn't we be friends----

TR: We need to move on.

SS: I'm fifteen minutes away. I'll come over, we can heat up the chocolate, put a marshmallow in it, sit and talk ---- and then we'll say goodbye. Please, Bob.

TR: It's just not a good idea. I'm sorry. Goodbye. (CLICK, DIAL TONE)

GK: And you go out to start your car (DOOR OPEN) and as you go out you realize that you forgot your keys (TR: Oh boy) and you turn to go back and the cat is pushing the door shut (MEOW) ----- TR: No, Snowball, no----- (DOOR SLAM) and the door is locked and you don't have a key (WIND). You look down the street, the houses are all dark, and it's getting colder (WIND) ---- and you head for the grocery store to find a payphone and (TR SLIPPING, FALLS, CRUNCH OF BONE, TR WHIMPER) and your right leg is bent in half under you and you can't move ---- you're lying in your driveway, hidden from the street by bushes, and what is this grayish dog-like animal standing on the snowbank?? (WOLF HOWL) And you remember what Sandy said----

SS (REVERB): I'm fifteen minutes away. I'll come over, we can heat up the chocolate, put a marshmallow in it, sit and talk -----

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie and Rhubarb Pie Filling.


But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is homemade rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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