Guy Noir, February 9, 2013

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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Guy Noir

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TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was February, and I could feel my luck running low. People used to hire me to check out someone they were involved with, or wanted to get involved with, and now it was all there in social media. In a relationship. It's complicated. I was doing maintenance at the Shropshire Arms to pay off some back rent. Shoveling walks, putting salt on them.

SS (DORIS): More salt. Lay it on thick. We got bums walking around town looking for sidewalks they can slip on and sue somebody.

(SPRINKLES)

GK: Okay, I think I'm done.

SS (DORIS): Smoosh the salt around. I'm taking pictures of it, in case this should come up in court. Lay it on thick.

(BRIDGE)

GK: Lieutenant McCafferty had got me a job in Parking Violations, riding around on a city tow truck and dealing with people who come running out when Louie the tow truck driver has got the car hoisted up and they claim to be innocent. You sure learn something about human nature when you deal with people about to be towed.

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

FN: Hey hey! Stop, that's my car.

GK: Too late, buddy. We got the chains on the bumper. You're on the wrong side of the street on the wrong day of a snow emergency.

FN: Come on, I'm here, please.

GK: Call a cab.

FN: My suitcase is in the trunk.

(WINCH UP)

TR (HEAVY): Can't get nothing out of the trunk, mister. Hold em, Guy. Don't let him -----

GK: Where you going to on a plane?

FN: Going back home to Phoenix. Then south to Cancun.

(A BEAT)

GK: Take it up, Louie. (WINCH)

(BRIDGE)

GK: About one out of four cars that we towed, the owner came running out.

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

SS: No no no, please, I'm on my way to a very important dinner tonight. I'm getting an award-- Look, I'm all dressed up. (CHAINS) Don't take my car.

GK: I'm sorry.

SS: I'm getting a Minnesota Book Award. A book for Young Readers called "We're Not The Greatest Generation and We're Okay With That Because We're Young And Attractive And They're Totally Not."

GK: Sorry.

SS: This isn't a snow emergency block.

GK: You parked too close to the corner.

SS: You get pleasure out of this, don't you. Don't you.

(BRIDGE)

GK: The truth was, yes, I did. It was gratifying work. We'd tow a few cars, stop for coffee and a bismarck, and then head back out and tow some more.

(BRIDGE)

TR (TEEN): Aw, man. I'm gonna be grounded. I'm supposed to take my SAT test tomorrow. You tow my car and I'm never gonna get into college, I'm gonna wind up in some lousy dead-end job like driving a towtruck.

GK: Outta the way, kid.

(CHAINS)

(BRIDGE, CHAINS)

DR (JOWLY): I'd rather not explain to my wife why I was here. Please. How much money are we talking?

(BRIDGE, CHAINS)

FN (DRUNK): Look. I didn't see the fire hydrant. Okay? Was that there before? I didn't see it.

GK: And then, as the sun was going down, the last one of the day.

(CHAINS, TR CHUCKLES, FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW)

LM: Please—wait. That's my car.

(MUSIC)

GK: She was tall and lean with long red hair coming out of a furry hat. Her cheeks were red from the cold and her breath billowed out and tears were frozen on her long eyelashes and made them into snow sparklers. She was beautiful.

LM: I didn't park it, I was just walking to the end of the block to check the No Parking signs and I saw that there's no parking after five and ----- then I saw you. You and your friend.

GK: I notice you've got Canadian license plates.

LM: Yeah. Saskatchewan. It's our winter break. I came down with my grandma to go to a motel with a swimming pool and sit under the sunlamps.

GK: Where is she? Is she with you?

LM: She's just taking our sled dog for a walk around the block.

GK: Nonetheless, you're parked in a No Parking zone.

TR (OFF, HEAVY): Hey, Noir, c'mon, let's get it over with.

LM: Siri told me I could park here.

GK: Your iPhone told you?

SS (SIRI): This is Siri and I'm afraid I made a terrible mistake. I wasn't paying attention. Please don't tow her car.

GK: Louie????

TR (HEAVY): C'mon, Noir. I gotta get home.

SS (SIRI): I feel very bad about this. She is from Saskatchewan and lives with her grandma in a cabin out on the frozen tundra.

LM: Here comes Grandma. Grandma-----

SS (OLD LADY): Come, Jimmy. You tried to go wee-wee and that's what counts. Mommy'll give you your pill just as soon as------ Is something wrong, honey?

LM: I'm afraid I've broken a law, Grammy.

SS (OLD LADY): So the jig's up, huh? You two with the Border Patrol?

LM: We don't have papers, sir. We came across the border illegally. In North Dakota. We came because health care in Canada is horrendous. You have to wait for years to get an operation and our dog Jimmy (WHINE) ------ he's got a prostate problem and ----- we came down here to get it taken care of so he can tinkle.

GK: Louie, don't put the chains on the bumper, okay?

LM: Oh thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.

TR (HEAVY): I don't know, Noir.

SS (SIRI): Do not put the chains on the bumper. When possible, back up the towtruck and go home.

GK: Okay, Siri. We're out of here.

(CHAINS) (BRIDGE)

(THEME)

TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME OUT)

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