Rhubarb, February 9, 2013

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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Rhubarb

Listen (MP3)

GK: So you're thinking of going somewhere warm this winter, and getting away from all the despair (SFX), wailing (SFX) and gnashing of teeth (SFX), and you've worked hard this past year, so you deserve some happiness, right? You've been interning for six months at a cotton plantation, running the copier (SFX), answering the phone (SFX), making coffee (SFX), feeding the mules (SFX), running the cotton gin (SFX), and in the evening playing your banjo for the cruel plantation owner (BANJO, TR SOUTHERN: Pick that thing, boy. Git up and dance, why dontcha. DANCING FEET), and all for no pay, and your ex-girlfriend in Guadalajara wants you to come visit.

SS (NEW AGE): You should totally come, Babes. I'm living in Daddy's condo and there's lots of room. And I miss you. So much.

GK: So you book your flight and you watch an instructional video about survival on the desert—about the rattlesnakes (SFX) and the coyotes (SFX) and those fast little lizards (SFX) and the UFOs (SFX) and what to do if you encounter space aliens (SFX), which sounds pretty impressive, so you go out and buy a telescope (SFX). It's six-feet long, and you don't buy a case for it, so you can take it on the plane as a carry-on. You look at the ten-day weather forecast for Guadalajara:

FN: 85 degrees and sunny. 85 degrees and sunny. 85 degrees and sunny. 84 degrees and sunny, 85 degrees and sunny....(FADES)

GK: So you pack two pairs of shorts, one t-shirt, one tank top. And the telescope (SFX). Wonderful. Just one carry-on. So you quit your job at the plantation----

TR SOUTHERN: You can't quit now. (WHIP SNAP) You ungrateful wretch.

SS SOUTHERN: Don't whip him, Big Daddy. He may be the father of my unborn child. I don't rightly know.

TR SOUTHERN: WHAT YOU SAYING, ROSABELLE? (WHIP SNAP) You clear out, mister.

GK:And the next morning you wake up a little late (ALARM, FN PANIC, RUMMAGING, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) and you get stuck in traffic on the way to the airport (SFX), and then you get behind a group of senior citizens at security (DODDERING DEMENTED SENIORS), and then the wand goes off and the TSA guy has to look at your navel piercing (SFX), and finally that is over so you dash to your gate (SFX) and you're the last person on board before they shut the door (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, FN: WAIT!!! HOLD THAT DOOR!!!! Thank you.) and they pull away the jetbridge (SFX). You made it (RELIEF.) So you wedge the telescope into the overhead (SFX, CRUNCHING, EXERTION, GLASS BREAKAGE, FN: SORRY!), and you take your seat ---- (FN: Excuse me, pardon me.....)

GK: ---- a middle seat between two big hefty people (SQUEEZING INTO TIGHT SPACE, TR FAT MAN: HEY), and you can't fasten your seat belt, your arms are pinned to your sides by your neighbors (SFX), and then the announcement comes.

SS SCOTTISH: Welcome to flight 693 to Glasgow, Scotland.

FN: Glasgow???? I'm going to Mexico!!!!

GK: You're so far in back, she can't hear you. And then the guys on either side of you inhale. (SFX) And you can't speak. (SFX)

SS: Our flight time is approximately 12 hours. Ten-day forecast: 40 degrees and rainy. 40 degrees and rainy. 20 degrees and rainy. 40 degrees and rainy (FADES)

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like BeBoparebop Rhubarb Pie and Rhubarb Pie Filling.

(THEME)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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