Radio, February 16, 2013

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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(TUBA ONE)

SS (ON RADIO): ... So if you value this radio service, please call us right now and donate at any level. We need you.

FN (ON RADIO): Become a sustaining member, and help us earn this matching challenge from Fishman Precision Kitchen —makers of fine cheese slicers and melon ballers.

SS (ON RADIO): We need to hear from 40 of you listeners in the next ten minutes, otherwise we will have to lay off our morning newscaster Peter Fiebiger starting immediately.

TR (ON RADIO): That's right. My salary is dependent on your support and if you don't call in right now, my wife and I and our newborn twins (SFX, BABY CRYING) will have to go live in her parents' unfinished basement and put our home in foreclosure. Without your help, I will be thrown under the bus and have to find work as a telemarketer. If you can't bring yourself to make a membership pledge, do you think you could donate some canned food? Maybe some baby formula?

GK: Oh, come on, give me a break.

SS (ON RADIO): Peter has been with the station for six years, and on salary for two years. He works a 90-hour week, no overtime, no benefits, and has a pre-existing condition.

FN (ON RADIO): If you don't call now and make a pledge, he and Sandy and the babies will have to go on welfare.

GK: That's just pathetic. Spare me. How low will they stoop now?

(TUBA TWO)

TR (ON RADIO): Please, folks. A contribution of five dollars is enough to buy formula for the babies for two days (SFX BABY CRY), ten dollars takes care of a week of diapers, so please, take a minute to call in.

(GK SIGH, MIXER)

SS (ON RADIO):.... Hey! You in the kitchen---- with the eggs in the mixer, we know you're there.

GK: Who, me?

FN (ON RADIO): We're talking to you, mister. You in the kitchen. In the silly apron.

GK: What?!?

SS (ON RADIO): You listen and you don't contribute, you big moocher. What are you making?

(A BEAT)

GK: I'm making a frittata, why?

SS (ON RADIO): For the cost of that frittata, you could do your share to keep this radio station going.

FN (ON RADIO): Four minutes left to call in and become a member, and save Pete's job

GK: I already gave you money, okay? Just leave me alone.

SS (ON RADIO): You gave money three years ago. We checked.

GK: Right, that's what I'm saying.

FN (ON RADIO): How would you like it if you only got one frittata every three years, huh? Could you survive on that?

TR (ON RADIO): Please, save my job.

GK: Look, let me think about it.

SS (ON RADIO): What is there to think about? We're hanging from the cliff by our fingernails. Come on.

FN (ON RADIO): You know it's the right thing to do. So just do it, okay? We don't want to keep begging. Just pick up the phone and do the right thing—

(TUBA THREE)

FN (ON RADIO): Two minutes left.

GK: Look, even if I did get out my wallet right now, I don't know if I could enter the information online in enough time to meet this matching grant.

SS (ON RADIO): Well just try, for god's sake! What are you standing there for?

GK: Fine. I'll go get it.

FN (ON RADIO): Please run. A minute and forty five seconds.

(FOOTSTEPS OFF, BACK)

(OPENS LAPTOP)

GK: Okay, hang on a second. Sometimes it takes a second to wake my laptop back up.

FN (ON RADIO): Just press a key. Tap anything. (SFX) Are you doing it?

GK: I'm doing it.

FN (ON RADIO): Well do it faster.

(A BEAT)

GK: Okay here it is.

SS (ON RADIO): LPR.org. Local public radio.

GK: Yeah I know.

TR (ON RADIO): The babies are hungry. (SFX)

GK: Okay I'm there. Now what do I do?

SS (ON RADIO): Enter your information. ENTER IT!!!!

TR (ON RADIO): One minute left.

GK: W—Y-L-E-R —whoops I hit the T. Back back (KEYBOARD)

FN (ON RADIO): How many more pledges do we need, Madison?

SS (ON RADIO): One. Just one more. Just this guy.

GK: I'm typing as fast as I can.

FN (ON RADIO): Forty seconds left.

GK: I don't know which card to use. My personal, or my business one.

SS (ON RADIO): It doesn't matter, just pick one, PLEASE HURRY!

GK: -- 674—0072. There.

FN (ON RADIO): Thirty seconds left.

GK: I just hit submit. (A BEAT) There was an error, please re-enter data.

SS (ON RADIO): Oh my god.

FN (ON RADIO): Did you put in the expiration date?

GK: Yes.

FN (ON RADIO): Did you put in the security code?

GK: The what?

FN (ON RADIO): The security code.

(A BEAT)

GK: Where is that?

SS (ON RADIO): It's on the back of your card. Three digits. Flip your card over, do it now!!!

GK: Okay.

FN (ON RADIO): Twelve seconds.

GK: 456, enter. (A BEAT) There was an error, please re-enter data.

(SS SCREAMS)

FN (ON RADIO): Eight seconds. Are you sure you entered the right code?

TR (ON RADIO): I guess I lost my job. Come on, babies.

(A BEAT)

GK: Oh wait, it's 436. I don't have my glasses on.

FN (ON RADIO): Enter it now! Type it in!

GK: Okay, okay! (TYPING)

FN (ON RADIO): Three seconds. Two, one--)

(TUBA THREE)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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