Guy Noir, February 23, 2013

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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Guy Noir

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TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was February, a good month for me. I'm in the truth business and the truth can be painful and since February already is painful, people figure, what's wrong with a little more pain? I don't blog, don't Twitter, don't have a Facebook page or a website. People just walk up to my door on the 12th floor and they knock. (KNOCKS) Come on in, the door is unlocked.

(DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE)

TR: Mr Noir, my name is Friml. Francis Friml. I'm hoping you can find a lost person for me.

GK: I can certainly try.

TR: Her name is Carmen Habanera and she was a stripper in a club down on the river called the Pink Gopher and she was dancing with a banjo trio called Tres Companeros de Banjo.

GK: When was this?

TR: I was 18 years old at the time.

GK: Quite a while ago, then.

TR: It was February and it was bitterly cold and my car ran out of gas nd I went in to use the phone to call my dad and she was onstage wearing a dirndl and leg warmers and singing "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain". And these three guys were playing banjo and she went around the mountain and when she came back, she wasn't wearing anything.

GK: And you want me to find her for you?

TR: I can't forget her.

GK: This was 40 years ago.

TR: Thirty-six.

GK: She'd be in her late seventies.

TR: I don't care.

GK: Maybe you should remember her as she was, sir.

TR: Please. Try to find her.

(BRIDGE)

GK: It's an old story, people wanting to know more than they ought to. I tell you, why disturb the beauty of a memory? (KNOCKS) Come on in, the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE)

SS: Mr. Noir, my name is Vanessa Wilburn, and I need your help. I'm worried about my husband. You see---- he has an addiction---- (SHE WEEPS) I'm sorry, this isn't easy for me-----he had an addiction to GPS ---- and now he has a new phone with that woman talking to him.

GK: Siri.

SS: Yes.

GK: The personal assistant.

SS: This is a new version of Siri. It's a more intimate app. He hardly talks to me anymore, just to her.

GK: Another woman. Robotic infidelity.

SS: I want you to disable her. I want her gone.

GK: I'll do what I can, Mrs. Wilburn. (BRIDGE) I went down to the Apple store to see if Mr. Wilburn had been in there buying stuff.

FN (TEEN): Hey. Can I help you? Cause if you're looking for something, you could totally talk to me about it. Or we could just hang out and smoke some weed and talk about diagnostics or whatever. Cause that's just how I roll. Want to see the new Siri app? Fifty Shades of Siri? Cool. Here. Just press her On button. (CLICK)

SS (SIRI): Ohhhhhh. That felt good. Do it again. (CLICK) Oh wow. How are you, Mr. Noir?

GK: You know my name?

SS (SIRI): Of course. And I know a lot more. Leave Mr. Wilburn and me alone, Mr. Noir. It's none of your business.

GK: It's his wife's business, Siri.

SS (SIRI): We've become very close, Jim and I. He turns me on, if you know what I mean.

GK: Leave him alone, Siri.

SS (SIRI): He tells me things he never could tell her. And he loves it when I whisper things to him.

GK: Like what?

SS (SIRI): You know----- things.

GK: Where is he now, Siri?

SS (SIRI): Why should I tell you?

GK: You see this hammer in my hand?

SS (SIRI): He's at the beauty parlor. Getting a pedicure.

GK: Leave him alone, Siri.

SS (SIRI): He needs me. He'd be lost without me.

GK: Siri, there's a new app. It's called Lurleen. She gives directions too.

FN (WOMAN): Siri, this is Lurleen. Listen to me, you tramp, I've got a special feature on me that'll turn you to a low hum, so you just watch what you do.

SS (SIRI): You can't destroy Siri. I'm everywhere. There will always be another Siri.

FN (WOMAN): Noir?

GK: Yes, Lurleen.

FN (WOMAN): Don't look at her. She's nothing. Listen to me. Take a right on Wabasha and go point-two miles and turn left. You hear me? Noir? Pay attention. I'm talking to you.

SS (SIRI): Don't go there, Noir.

FN (WOMAN): That's it, Siri. You asked for it. (ELECT ZAP, SS CRY OF PAIN) (BRIDGE)

GK: It was not hard to find Carmen Habanera the stripper. I just entered her name on my iPhone and Lurleen did the rest.

FN (WOMAN): Carmen Habanera, huh? Well you nasty man. I had no idea. ---- Go point-five miles straight on Shepard Road and be prepared to turn left.

GK: Okay but the river is right there.

FN (WOMAN): I know the river is there, Mr. Sillypants. Drive out on the ice.

GK: There is no ice there. Just open water.

FN (WOMAN): Oh.......Recalculating route. When possible, make a U-turn...... (BRIDGE)

GK: She was dancing in a club called the Golden Garter, and the Tres Companeros de Banjo was there too. (BANJOS, "COMING ROUND THE MOUNTAIN") The stage lights were low but I could see that she was pushing 80 and that she'd had some work done on her face that made her look like her shoes hurt.

SS (DORIS): She'll be wearing bright pink panties when she comes, She'll be wearing dingle-dangles when she comes, She'll be wearing rhinestone earrings and a pair of purple Supp-Hose, And orthopedic high heels when she comes.

GK: There were a few old men in the club, wearing sunglasses, and I could see them turning down their hearing aids. What they wanted was the memory. And you know, if you squinted and you looked at her feet, she wasn't bad looking. (BURLESQUE DRUMS, AND BANJOS)

SS (DORIS):
Let me medicate you,
Let me make you grin...
I've got some liquor but Xanax is quicker
I've got some Vicodin
It's real unusual
So's Metamucil,
I want your spirit to climb;
So let me medicate you you,
And turn back the hands of time,
Yes sir!
Turn back the hands of time!

GK: Get me out of here, Lurleen.

FN (WOMAN): Turn around and head for the door. Button up your overcoat. It's cold out there.

(THEME)

TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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