Snowman, March 2, 2013

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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Snowman

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(PIANO)

GK: This is a hard time of year for us snowmen. It keeps getting warmer and I keep getting smaller. I feel like I have a fever. Sort of faint. It's not good. I have an idea what's about to happen. I just thought I'd have a little more time, that's all. It's hard. People walk by and they're all happy and whistling and ----

SS (OFF): Hey. Beautiful day.

TR (OFF): Yeah!

SS (OFF): I already have tulips starting to come up.

TR (OFF): Won't be long now.

GK: Won't be long now. My head feels like it's just about to slide off my shoulders.

FN: How're you doing? You okay?

GK: The lilac bush next to me has become a friend.

FN: You look good. You look really shiny with that melt water freezing up every night. And I got a feeling we're going to get a cold snap.

GK: I don't think so. I think I'm on my way out.

FN: Anyway, hang in there. Try to stay positive.

GK: Easy for him to say. Oh well. Nothing to be done but just stand here and accept whatever comes.

SS: Hello?

GK: Who're you?

SS: I'm standing right behind you.

GK: You a snow person?

SS: Yep.

GK: A snow woman?

SS: Good guess.

GK: No wonder I feel this vibration in my torso. My base is fluttering. My gosh. How exciting.

SS: It is. I feel it too.

GK: I was waiting all winter for a girlfriend and now here you are and the show's almost over.

SS: They just rolled me out last night. The little girl who lives in the blue house. She thought you needed company.

GK: I can't see you.

SS: I know. What do you mean "the show's almost over"?

GK: You don't want to know.

SS: Come on. Please.

(A BEAT)

GK: Soon the sun comes out and it gets hot and our snow turns to water and we get smaller and smaller until we're nothing but a puddle.

SS: WHAT?

GK: And then we seep into the ground and are never heard from again and the trees drink us up with their roots.

SS: Maybe it will snow again.

GK: I don't know. Hey----- you------ Mr. Elm Tree.

TR: Who? Me?

GK: Yeah. Can you see this snow woman standing behind me?

TR: I guess so.

GK: What does she look like?

TR: I don't know. (HE SHUDDERS WITH PLEASURE) Boy, those squirrels are running around on my branches. Whoooo. Feels good.

GK: What does she look like?

TR: What does it matter? You two are on your way out. Another week or two, you're history. Get over it.

GK: You want to know what that orange stripe on your trunk means?

TR: It's a beauty mark.

GK: Ha. Guess again. Ever hear of Dutch elm disease?

TR: I'm not Dutch.

SS: It's okay. I'm glad I met you anyway.

GK: If you leaned forward, you might fall into my back. Then we could melt together. We'd become one.

FN: Hey what are you two lovebirds talking about over there? Huh? (KISSY NOISES) Snowman and snowwoman sitting by a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G

SS: I can do it. I'm sure I can. (BIG EFFORT) I'm leaning forward----

GK: Careful------

SS: (BIG EFFORT) I can feel myself moving---- (BIG EFFORT, SHE CRIES OUT, FALLS, CRUMBLES TO PIECES. WEAK CRY)

GK: What happened? I can't see you.

SS (MUFFLED): I landed face down.

GK: Oh my gosh. It's my fault.

SS (MUFFLED): Help! Help!

GK: Maybe someone will come by.

SS (MUFFLED): Maybe. (DOG TAG JINGLES, DOG PANTING) What's that? Is that someone?

GK: Oh no. (DOG SNIFFS) No no no. Go away. Off!

SS (MUFFLED): What is it? (DOG PEES, LEAVES) What just happened?

GK: Don't worry about it.

SS (MUFFLED): Did the sun just come out? I feel like I'm melting.

GK: No.

TR (OFF): Hey, you snow people down there. Us trees are trying to sleep. You're making our sap rise.

SS (MUFFLED): I'm a goner, aren't I.

FN: Tell her.

GK: You'll be just fine.

SS (WEAK): Ha. Tell me, what's it all about?

GK: What's all about?

SS (WEAK): Everything.

GK: It's all about sunshine and green grass and when we melt and disappear, the grass will be beautiful and the people who made us are not going to miss us. And that's the truth.

SS (WEAK): I thought we were their friends.

GK: No. We will not be missed.

SS (WEAK): Well, I'll miss you.

GK: I'll miss you, too. And we'll meet again. Up in the branches of a tree. (CHAINSAW, CUTTING INTO TREE, TR CRY OF PAIN) Or maybe not. (TREE FALLING) I guess something else will happen. I'll just have to wait and see. There's time. The sun's going down. It's getting colder. There's time.

(CAR GOES BY. DISTANT DOG. SNOW MUSIC)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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