Guy Noir, April 6, 2013

The Town Hall

New York, NY


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Guy Noir

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TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME)

GK: It was April, which T.S. Eliot said was the cruelest month, but it was going pretty darned well for me. I was in New York, where I had found a highly lucrative line of work, checking up on the children of wealthy parents.

SS (NYER): Mr. Noir, my name is Nancy Nabisco ---- it's about my son Tyler. I'm worried. We saw him at Easter and he was covered with lint. I'm afraid he is not cleaning the filter on his dryer. We bought him a washer-dryer and it's a French brand and ---- we sent him to French immersion school, but he doesn't do well with verbs-- so could you check? And also make sure he knows how to operate a lint roller?

GK: How old is Tyler?

SS (NYER): Thirty-one.

GK: Well, there are directions that come with the lint roller----

SS (NYER): He's never going to get a job if he goes to interviews with lint all over him.

GK: He doesn't have a job?

SS (NYER): He works in an artisan cheese shop in Brooklyn. He delivers artisan cheese on his bicycle. But he's looking for a job in film. That was his major at Holdingford. Film.

GK: I'll see what I can do. (BRIDGE) I was on my way to Brooklyn when I got a call from Mayor Bloomberg.

TR (BLOOMBERG): Mr. Noir, glad I was able to catch you. Listen ----- I am thinking about proposing a ban on people ordering an extra-large pizza when it's just for yourself. We have a crisis of obesity in New York and it means that buses and trains are more crowded even though fewer people use them and so I think we ought to have a limit of one 12-inch pizza per person. The family size should be for a family, not for one person.

GK: How can I be helpful, Mr. Mayor?

TR (BLOOMBERG): I want you to mill around with the people and get a read on public opinion in regard to a ban on extra-large pizza. Though I'm not here to be popular, you know.

GK: Okay. I'm on it. (BRIDGE) So I went over to Brooklyn to see about Tyler Nabisco and his lint problem. I took the No. 2 which goes through a rather tight turn down below Wall Street (SFX. SCREECH OF SUBWAY) ----- and then under the East River it often stops for a few minutes (FN INCOHERENT P.A.) ----- Excuse me, what did he say?

SS: He said we're stopping for some reason. (FN INCOHERENT P.A.)

SS: He said we'll be moving again soon.

GK: Thank you. And indeed we did move again on into Brooklyn ------ I got off at the first stop (BING BONG, DOOR OPEN) and up to the street (TRAFFIC PASSING) and into a coffee shop called Reasonable Grounds (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE, BELLS) to get a latte to settle myself down. (ESPRESSO) Seven-fifty for a small latte. No empty chairs. A room full of people face-down in their laptops—(CELLPHONE RING) (PICK UP) Yeah?

FN: Yeah, it's Tyler.

GK: Tyler Nabisco.

FN: You got it. Listen, I'll meet you at my apartment. But don't follow too close. I don't want my friends to know that my mom hired a detective to come over and clean the filter on my dryer. Okay?

GK: Okay.

FN: Okay. Here's how you get there. Go out the front door and hang a right, past the artisan cheese shop-----

GK: The one you work at?

FN: Right. And keep going past the artisan plumbing shop-----

GK: Artisan plumbing?

FN: They make pipes out of wood. Reproductions of plumbing from the mid-19th Century.

GK: Okay.

FN: And keep going past the artisan health clinic----

GK: Never heard of that.

FN: They're the only health clinic that uses leeches.

GK: I see.

FN: They bleed you to balance out the humors of your body. It's awesome.

GK: Okay.

FN: And I'm the first door on the right----- it's apartment 6D ---- it's the bell with seven names on it----

GK: Seven?

FN: Laura, Brenda, Anna, Maia, Nora, Katrina, and Lola. We're subletting from them. Anyway, I'll see you in five. Okay? (BRIDGE)

GK: Looking around the café I noticed that everyone was working on a novel except for a couple of poets and one playwright, all of them working away, until they got a phone call from work----- (RING, PICK UP)

SS: This is Cynthia----- Oh hi, Mr. Benson. I was meaning to call. I'm feeling a little under the weather so I'm working from home today. ---- No, not a problem. (SHE FADES, TALKING) (BRIDGE UNDER.....)

GK: I heard that over and over----- (TR: No, I'm working from home today......SS DEEP: Hi. I'm working from home. TR WOMAN: I decided to work from home today.) ---- and it struck me that corporate America may be an even greater patron of the arts than it realizes. People get a full-time job in a big company and after a year they figure out how to get the work done in 15 hours a week and they learn how to delegate and how to pass the buck and pretty soon they've freed up about 30 hours a week when they can write their memoir.

GK: (HARSH BUZZER) I rang Tyler's bell and he buzzed me up (HARSHER BUZZER) and I climbed six flights of stairs (STEPS, WHEEZING) to apartment 6D ---- lucky people, no need for an expensive health club membership when you live on the sixth floor and (DOOR OPEN) ----

FN: Oh hi. Come in. Excuse the mess.

GK: The floor was covered with old pizza boxes. Extra-large. (MEOW) A cat was eating little scraps of cheese from one of them.

FN: My washer/dryer are over there if you want to check out the filter.

GK: You do have lint all over your clothes. You know that.

FN: Clothes lint is the thing now. It's a look. Okay?

GK: Whatever. Your mom just wants you to get a job.

FN: Right.---- I think we need to talk. ----- Have a seat----- (MAJOR JUNK RUMMAGE, BEER BOTTLES, CANS, CAT YELP) There.

GK: Thanks.

FN: I'm making a documentary. (CLOMPING FOOTSTEPS) Oh----- here's Bryce. My roommate.

TR (STONER): Hey. Tyler. Wassup. Oh---- hi. (POP-TOP OPEN) (FIZZING) Whoa. Sorry. Didn't mean to spray you.

GK: It's okay. Noir's the name. Guy Noir.

TR (STONER): Yeah. I'm Bryce. How's it going?

GK: So there's just the two of you here---- where there used to be seven women living.

TR (STONER): I guess so.

FN: We were hoping they might move back, but so far, no.

GK: How much you paying for the place?

TR (STONER): It's 3500 a month.

GK: But Tyler, you make 200 bucks a week.

FN: Right. Bummer.

GK: Are you employed, Bryce?

TR (STONER): We're making this documentary.

GK: I know that, but are you employed?

TR (STONER): Well, I'm working. Every day.

GK: Okay, so you're unemployed.

SS (DORIS): Tyler. Open up. I know you're in there.

FN: Oh no, it's our landlady. Let's get out of here.

(KNOCKING)

SS (DORIS): Open up, I need the rent. Now. (KNOCKING, FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPENS) Who are you?

GK: The name's Noir. The boys seem to have gone in the other room.

SS: Never mind them. You the responsible adult?

GK: Me? Far from it.

SS: I need 3500 bucks.

GK: Look, I'm just a friend of the family. I've got nothing to do with this.

(GUN COCKS)

SS: I've got lots of friends and family, too, if you know what I mean.

GK: I don't carry that kind of money.

SS: Gimme your billfold. (TWIRLS CARTRIDGE****) Thank you. Just taking out your credit card. Swipe it on my smartphone. (SFX) Thanks. ---- Pleasure doing business with you. (BRIDGE)

GK: I headed for the subway. I swiped my Metrocard (SWIPE, THUNK), and the turnstile didn't budge.

FN (ROBOT): Too slow. Try again. (SWIPE, THUNK) Too fast. Try again. (SWIPE, THUNK) Almost right but not quite. (SWIPE, THUNK) You don't live here, do you? (DISGRUNTLED PEOPLE, SWIPE)

GK: I made it on the train (SFX), and the doors closed (BING BONG) — And the train headed for Manhattan and once again, under the East River-----

FN (INAUDIBLE P.A.)

GK: What'd he say?

SS: He said that for some reason the train is not going to stop this time.

FN (INAUDIBLE P.A.)

GK: What was that?

SS: He asked if we could hear him okay.

GK: Okay. (BRIDGE) soon I was up on the street (TRAFFIC). A beautiful spring day, people were out (SAX, OFF), the musicians, and the breakdancers (SFX), and the vendors (FN: Hot nuts, hot nuts!), and the people on their cellphones. (SS: And now we have joint custody of the dog—I get Monday Wednesday and Saturday) and along came a man with a snake around his neck and leading an orangutan (SFX) who had a chicken on its shoulder and the chicken was singing (CHICKEN, "SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW") ---- and why not? It's New York. Everybody's got a place here.

(BRIDGE)

TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. . But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

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