Rhubarb, April 6, 2013

The Town Hall

New York, NY


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Rhubarb

Listen (MP3)

GK: So you're a Broadway singer, you've been training for it for years------

CD: (SINGS)
Isn't it rich?
Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late
In my career?

GK: And you work at a day job to pay the rent—

CD (SINGS):
And where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns.
Looks like they're here.

GK: You hate this job with all your heart, so you couldn't help writing about it on Facebook.

CD (TYPING): My cubicle gets no sunlight. The people around me are zombies. The bathroom is a half-mile down the hall. My boss looks like she hasn't had a bowel movement in the past two years.

GK: So your boss calls you into her office -----

SS: It has been brought to my attention, Miss Salvatore, that you have expressed discontent in the social media.

GK: She calls in Security (TR JOWLY MUTTERING) and he is going to escort you out of the building and as you get up to leave (CD CRY OF ALARM) you trip on the carpet (SFX), and you land on her desk (SFX, CD OOOFF), and the letter opener on her desk flies up (SFX) and stabs her in the chest (THWOP, SS GROAN) and Security calls the cops (TR JOWLY MUTTERING) and the ambulance comes (SIREN), and the EMTs pull the letter opener out (SFX) and the police come to take you away-----CD: It was unintentional.

FN: Watch your head, perp.

CD: It was an accident!!! It's only a letter opener!!!

TR: You have the right to remain silent. So shut up.

GK: And into jail you go (SIREN) and off to Rikers Island where you watch the planes landing at LaGuardia (SFX) and remembering how much you loved to fly when you were free----

CD (SINGS):
I dreamed a dream in times gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that I would get to fly
To do the shows that I love giving
Then I was young and passed the test
Was never nervous, never jumpy,
I rode off north and south and west
I loved to fly
Though it was bumpy

GK: And eventually you are released on probation......

TR (JUDGE): You will report to your parole officer once a month, you will stay off Facebook, and if you commit assault again in the next fifteen months, you will go straight off to prison where you will be sentenced to direct an inmate production of "Camelot". Understand me?

CD: No! Not "Camelot"! Anything but that! (GAVEL)

GK: And you go straight. You work hard and stay off Facebook and you get your big chance---- a starring role in a revival of "Singin In The Rain" ---- and you've rehearsed your big number, dancing through mud puddles and singing the title song---- you're on top of the world, and you decide to let bygones by bygones, and you invite your old boss to opening night.

SS: Front row seats, comps— Nice.

GK: and you're all set for opening night------

TR: You're gonna be great, kid.

CD: Thanks, Jimmy.

FN: Press your lips together, sweetheart. Just going to put a little gloss there. Beautiful. Okay. Close your eyes. (SPRAYING HAIRSPRAY) You're fantastic. Go out there and knock em dead.

CD: I wish you wouldn't say that.

FN: Break a leg, kid.

CD: I wish you wouldn't say that either. (BUSY BRIDGE UNDER)

GK: And the show is going so well and finally ----- the stage is flooded (SFX) and you're dancing in your overshoes (MUSIC) through the puddles----

CD (SINGS):
I'm singing in the rain, just singin in the rain
What a glorious feeling, And I'm happy again,
I'm laughing at clouds
So dark, up above,
The sun's in my heart
And I'm ready for -------- WHOAAAAAAAAAAA (LONG SKID) ------

GK: And out into the front row you go----- (SS CRY) and into your old boss----- (WHUMP, CRACK) and your leg is bent under you------ (CD PAIN) and she's unconscious—with a souvenir umbrella sticking out of her chest (SS MOAN) ....... And you get up (CRACK), and your leg is broken.

Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie and Rhubarb Pie Filling.

(RHUBARB THEME)

But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is homemade rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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