Duet, April 13, 2013

The Town Hall

New York, NY


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Duet

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HM&GK: (SING)
Oh my love, my darling, I hunger for your touch,
this long lonely time.

SS: Slim and Sandy. The Deltones. They were a great duet act. I know. I managed them for thirteen years. Sold out Hollywood Bowl, Tanglewood, everywhere they went. People were so surprised when they broke up in 2008. They'd just had a hit.

HM & GK (SING):
As the river flows surely to the sea,
Darling so it goes, some things are meant to be.
Take my hand-----

SS: The story in the paper said "artistic differences" but the truth was that she was a liberal Democrat who believed that big corporations ran the country to suit themselves and he believed that the country had been infiltrated by socialists who controlled the media. They made a point of never ever talking about politics and yet each of them knew what a raving lunatic the other one was, and somehow they kept singing.....

HM & GK (SING):
Just a song at twilight, when the lights are low,
and the flickering shadows softly come and go.

SS: Until the night he forgot to remove his Bush-Cheney button and she saw it and she walked out and that was it. The end. Until last week, when they came into the studio to do a reunion CD. (BAND TUNING) They looked just the same as in 2004.

GK: Hi.

SS: Slim---- good to see you----

GK: Yeah.

SS: There's someone right behind you, Slim.

GK: I know.

SS: You mind saying hello?

GK: Hello.

SS: Why don't you look at her when you say it?

GK: Why?

HM: Hi, Slim.

GK: Sandy. Hi.

SS: Why don't you look at each other? For me. Just do it. A glance. Please.

GK: Hi.

HM: Hi.

GK: Satisfied?

SS: Okay. Let's do it.

GK: Let's.

SS: A little business, first. Here's the contract. Sign here. (SCRIBBLE) And Sandy, you sign here. (SCRIBBLE) And initial here. (SCRIBBLE) And Slim--- (SCRIBBLE) And here (SCRIBBLE). And here (SCRIBBLE). Good. All set. (BRIDGE) They stood at two mikes, with their backs to each other and a plastic shield between, and Sandy had suggested a Rolling Stones song, so we started with that.

HM &GK (SING):
And you can send me dead flowers every morning
Send me dead flower by the mail
Send me dead flowers to my wedding
And I won't forget to put roses on your grave.

SS: The line about putting dead roses on your grave seemed to cheer them up and they went right on to do
"Love In Vain"-----

HM & GK (SING): All my love's in vain, all my love's in vain, all my love's in vain.

TR (ON TALKBACK): That was terrific, kids. Really nice feeling. Could you stand a little closer together?

HM: Why?

SS: Sandy-----

HM: What?

SS: Let's take a break, folks. Take ten---- (MUSICIANS CHATTER, CLATTER) Sandy, I thought you were going to cooperate---- what is the problem here?

HM: He creeps me out, that's all.

SS: I thought you broke up because of politics----

GK: This is about jealousy, that's what this is about.

HM: Oh be real.

GK: This is about all those attractive young women who used to wait at the stage door for me.

HM: Oh get over yourself.

GK: And those three high-school nerds who used to wait for you.

HM: I'm not even listening to you.

GK: For some reason you attracted men with bad skin problems.

HM: Yeah? Well, one of those attractive young women told me that you gave her a bad case of bedbugs.

GK: You're making that up.

HM: Don't stand so close.

GK: Bedbugs???

HM: She said she spent the night at your place and she came home covered with vermin.

GK: That's a lie.

HM: Anyone who thought that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction probably wouldn't have been able to recognize a bedbug.

GK: When did you talk to her?

HM: Yesterday.

GK: Call her back. Go ahead. I want to talk to her.

HM: I don't want to talk to her.

GK: Call her. I'll talk to her.

HM: I don't have her number.

GK: It's on your cellphone. Where was she from?

HM: New Jersey.

SS: Could we get back to making a CD, people? Please?

GK: Gimme your cellphone. You're lying. Bedbugs----

HM: She said she got bedbugs from you and that you fell asleep before she got her clothes off.

GK: Here. Area code 201. I'm calling her. (SFX) It's ringing. (PICKUP) (FN WOMAN VOICE AT OTHER END) Hello, is this Wanda? (FN) Listen, this is Slim of Slim & Sandy. The singing act? The Deltones? (FN) We had a big hit with (HE SINGS) "What'll I do when you are far way"---- (FN) You don't remember? (FN) "Oh my love, my darling....(FN) Okay. I think we met at a concert once. You came backstage afterward? We went to my hotel? No? (FN) No, I am not suggesting that you would do that sort of thing, but----- (FN) okay. (FN) Right. (FN) Okay. Have a nice day.

SS: What'd she say?

GK: She doesn't remember us at all.

HM: You forgot to ask her about bedbugs.

GK: I do not have bedbugs. I never had bedbugs. Intestinal bacteria, yes. Bedbugs no. She said she was a big fan of the Carpenters but she never heard of us.

SS: Listen, let's finish up. Break's over!!!! (MUSICIANS CHATTER, CLATTER)

TR (TALKBOX): Can we move that plastic shield now?

HM: Move it. I don't care.

GK: I think that duet singing is too real for you, Sandy. Too painful. It started out as an act and then you started to have real feelings and it scared you, to realize how much you needed another person and there I was, two feet away, and I wasn't interested in you.

HM: Oh please. What medication are you on?

GK: Being with me forced you to face yourself.

TR (TALKBOX): Take one. What'll I do.....

HM & GK (SING):

What'll I do when you are far away and I am blue, what'll I do----- (MUSIC UNDER)

SS: The reunion album, "Slim & Sandy, Back Again," sold
a 332 CDs, got 873 downloads on iTunes, and sold 179 ringtones, and earned an extra $799 when it was used on a cable TV show called "Photography Today" -----

HM & GK (SING):

What'll I do with just a photograph to tell my troubles to.

SS: Slim went back to teaching small motor repair at a vocational school and Sandy went back to being a social worker in a group home for unattractive people. And me----- I found a hot band called the Guy's All-Star Shoe Band. Retro but very hip. They went platinum, and then titanium, and Byzantium, and they're still selling like hotcakes. (BAND PLAYOFF)

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