ELCA, April 13, 2013

The Town Hall

New York, NY


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GK: .....brought to you by the ELCA, the Evelyn Lundberg Counselling Agency. Evelyn Lundberg is ill today and here, sitting in for her, is Esther Leventhal.

SS (NY): Okay. So you're moving to New York. Good for you. Just don't expect a big welcome. Your New York friends will not pick you up at the airport. It just isn't done. So don't ask.

Unless you have a large trust fund, you're going to have to lower your standard of living and find a two-bedroom apartment in Queens with five roommates. Think of your first NYC apartment as a clown car.

TWO. Nothing comes standard with a NYC apartment. Things like windows or a kitchen are considered extras. Storage space? Use your oven. Forget about a summer wardrobe. Just wear black but less of it. If you find bedbugs, deal with it quietly. Don't tell anybody or you will be a pariah.

THREE. Houston. Not Huston. Houston. Rhymes with "Mouse Town". Always know where the nearest toilet is. Here in Times Square, it's the fourth floor of the Marriott.

FOUR. If you're catching a cab in Manhattan, don't tell him you're going to Queens until you're in the cab and the door is closed.

FIVE. The NY Times is very slow in its coverage of cultural trends. If the Times reports a trend, that means it's almost over and it's about to be taken up by people in their 40s.

SIX. Coffee shops are great places to meet nerdy guys with limited employment prospects. If they're friendly, they may just be looking for someone to read their manuscript. If they want to start a relationship, they may just be looking for a larger closet. And remember: before you go out on a date, say these words to yourself: "drug-resistant gonorrhea."

To live and work in New York means taking a vow of poverty. You'll be walking a lot and carrying stuff. Gym clothes, food, laptop, Mace, extra shoes, everything you need for the day. You'll be putting your make-up on with one hand riding the subway and in your other hand is a slice of pizza which is your breakfast. You'll be doing without things you used to consider necessities. You gotta fake it til you make it. And remember: before you go out on a date, say these ------- oh, I already said that. Never mind.

GK: The Evelyn Lundberg Counselling Agency. Sitting in for Evelyn this week was Esther Leventhal.

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