Guy Noir, April 27, 2013

City Bank Auditorium

Lubbock, TX


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Guy Noir

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GK: Home of the Lubbock Lights, a mysterious unidentified flying object that has been visiting here since 1951, a spaceship from another galaxy occupied by little green aliens (SPACESHIP LANDS) and now they're opening the door (DOOR OPENS, STEAM) and they are emerging, little green men (ALIENS), somewhat between 150 and 300 small green men coming right for us (ALIENS, CLOSE) and grabbing me with their suctiony little fingers (SFX) and pulling me back into their spacecraft, (ALIENS) and pointing to that table. (ALIENS) And I think they want me to take off my pants. (ALIENS) And a long silver probe reaches down and lifts my wallet out of my back pocket and opens it and removes my credit card (SFX) ----and one of them is speaking----

FN (ALIEN): Membership.

GK: I'm not sure I hear what he said.

FN (ALIEN): Membership. Radio.

GK: Radio Membership?

FN (ALIEN): Yes.

GK: You're from Membership?

FN (ALIEN): Yes.

GK: And I see you are writing an amount on that credit card slip----- wow----- that's a lot of zeroes.

FN (ALIEN): Membership.

GK: I get that. ----- And now he's taking what looks like a laser gun and he is aiming it at my TV set and (LASER, FIRE, EXPLOSION) now I don't have a TV.

GK: Listen. Let me think about it. Send me something in the mail. I have to talk to my wife. (ANGRY ALIEN) And just then our cat walks in (MEOW) and the aliens aim their ray gun at it ---- No! Please! Don't! ----- and (RAY GUN) (DEEP MEOW OF TEN-FOOT CAT) the cat is enormous, it's the size of a car and it's looking at me (LOW PURRING OF GIANT CAT) and now I remember ---- the cat didn't used to be an it ---- it used to be a him. (RESENTFUL PURR) ---- Yes. I'll sign it. Give it here. (SCRIBBLE) ---- and I made the contribution and (SMALL MEOW) the cat was deneutered (RAY GUN) and became a male again. (MASCULINE MEOW) And that is how Lubbock Public Radio became the wealthiest public radio station in America. People don't respond to begging (FN WEEPING: Please help us. Please. Call now. It only takes a minute.) ---- not like they respond to aliens from outer space. (LASER)

(WARBLY ALIEN MUSIC)

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