Guy Noir, May 4, 2013

Ted Constant Convocation Center

Norfolk, VA


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Guy Noir

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(GUY NOIR THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions ---Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(MUSIC)

GK: It was spring and I was in Norfolk, Virginia to meet a woman. A geneologist and historian named Belle Rive who had written me a letter saying that an ancestor of mine, Black Jack Noir was the first European to set foot in the area.

SS: In fact, the town was originally named for Black Jack Noir— called Noirfolk . He and his wife Virginia Beach had a big farm right where downtown Norfolk is and then when the French were defeated by the British, his land was taken over. But I found a document in the archives, signed by the British governor, that says that all existing deeds would be honored. And as I see it, that means that you own about 450 acres of downtown Norfolk. (STING)

GK: The prospect of suddenly becoming a billionaire was interesting.

SS: As I read the maps, I figure your land is worth a billion but if you asked for fifty million they'd write you a check next week.

GK: Well, I think I could settle for that.

SS: What you ought to do is talk to the U.S. Navy. They have the best maps and the expert right now is Captain Pete Peterson. He knows everything about Norfolk. You'll find him aboard the frigate the USS Dean Roads at the naval base. (BRIDGE)

GK: Is that near Hampton Roads?

SS: No. It's a ship anchored in Hampton Roads.

GK: I boarded the USS Dean Roads, which was in port for maintenance and (SFX, DRILLS, HAMMERS, WELDING) there was a lot of work going on and a chopper overhead (SFX) unloading crates of parts.

FN: CIVILIAN ON BOARD!!!! (TWEET) (FOOTSTEPS)

GK: The captain was in the ward room, having lunch. May I join you, sir?

TR: Sit down. Have yourself some Hungarian goulash. (SFX) Where you from?

GK: From Minnesota.

TR: I was there once. Saw no reason to go back. People were unpleasant and the weather was unbearable and the land had nothing to recommend it, no natural beauty whatsoever, nothing.

DR: I was there once, sir, and thought the women were the ugliest I'd ever seen. They were either cheap lowdown floozies or they were hockey players.

TR: My wife is from Minnesota.

DR: Aha. (PAUSE A BEAT) What position does she play?

GK: I'm not originally from Minnesota. My people were French. In fact, my ancestor Black Jack Noir settled this area before the British came in. He owned a good deal of land.

TR: HEY YOU.

GK: Me?

TR: Straighten your collar! Wake up.

GK: I'm not a crew member, sir.

TR: Oh. Right. Straighten it anyway—

GK: Yes, sir. Anyway, as I was saying, my ancestor Black Jack Noir had a farm where downtown Norfolk is-----

TR: HEY. YOU DON'T WEAR SNEAKERS ON MY SHIP. This isn't summer camp, seaman. This is the U.S. Navy.

GK: Okay, but I came to ask you about Black Jack Noir the first European settler in Norfolk, or Noirfolk.

TR: SIT UP STRAIGHT WHEN I TALK TO YOU. HEAR ME?

GK: Yes, sir.

TR: I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

GK: Yes, sir.

TR: USE YOUR WORDS!

GK: I'm doing my best, sir. May I show you the map of Black Jack's farm in downtown Norfolk, sir?

TR: DOWNTOWN WHAT?

GK: Norfolk, sir.

TR: Let me see your map. (PAPER RUSTLE) This your ancestor's farm here?

GK: Yes, sir.

TR: Well, your ancestor's farm is under fifty feet of water.

GK: Underwater?

TR: Yes, the sea has risen. It's a fish farm now.

GK: So I don't inherit anything.

TR: That's right. You can't own property that is underwater. It's basic law.

GK: Thanks for the goulash, Captain.

TR: DISMISSED.

GK: Permission to go ashore, sir.

TR: Go.

GK: Permission to resume civilian life, sir.

TR: Go ahead.

GK: Permission to not salute, sir.

TR: Beat it.

(THEME)

SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions, Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(MUSIC OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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