The Lives of the Cowboys, May 11, 2013

Ryman Auditorium

Nashville, TN


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The Lives of the Cowboys

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(WESTERN THEME)

SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS....brought to you by
Trailblazer Moist Towelettes......they get you clean but they don't smell flowery, they smell like horses....so people know you're a cowboy, but you're cleaner---- and now here's today's story....

(HORSES)

GK: Well, we made it to Nashville, Dusty. Nice looking town if you like scenic beauty.

TR: Last time I was here all the honkytonks were full of caring sensitive people looking for long-term relationships. I guess all the cheap floozies went off to Knoxville and Chattanooga.

GK: Well, I'm supposed to meet a gentleman from Argosy Records and pitch a song to him, but looks like we're a little ahead of schedule. You want to stop in this café and get us some lunch?

TR: The Acoustic Arugula? I don't think so. How about we go into Tootsie's Orchid Lounge over there?

GK: Okay. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH. OPEN DOOR, PIANO IN MIDST OF "PLEASE RELEASE ME") (FOOTSTEPS TO THE BAR)

DR: Hello, sir, welcome to Tootsie's. What can I get you?

GK: You wouldn't happen to have cranberry juice, would you?

DR: We don't serve fruit drinks here, mister. This is a honky-tonk. How about I bring you a cranberry juice and vodka, and hold the vodka?

GK: I guess that'd work.

TR: And a glass of rotgut whiskey for me, no ice, no water, no lemon wedge, no paper umbrella.

DR: Single rot?

TR: What kind of single rot?

DR: Got a two-month old Roanoke rotgut, an intense full-bodied rotgut with a complex bouquet with undertones of old plywood, rubber boots, and battery acid ---- earthy with a long finish that'll turn your pee green for 24 hours.

TR: Lemme have that.

GK: How about you, mister? Buy you a drink?

VG: Me? No thanks. I'm waiting for someone.

GK: Well, I'll buy both of you a drink.

VG: Thanks, but I don't know if she drinks or not ---- I'm meeting her for the first time.

TR: Meeting her for the first time----

VG: Right.

GK: You've never seen her----

VG: Nope. All is know is what was in her ad on Craigslist. "SW looking for SM who knows how to treat a lady, someone to share life's adventures. Sit home and snuggle or travel to faraway places. I am intelligent, attractive, romantic, and fun to be with. Must have a job and a place of your own."

TR: And that's it?

VG: That's it. I'm sitting here waiting for a woman who's intelligent, attractive, romantic and fun to be with. (OFF, DOOR OPENS)

GK: Well here comes a woman right now.

VG: Is she attractive?

TR: If you've got to ask, the answer is no. (FOOTSTEPS0

FN (LADY): Hi there, my name is Lurleen and I'm looking for someone I met in the personals ad.

TR: I don't see anybody like that here.

FN (LADY): Described himself as serious but light-hearted, mature but adventurous, friendly but respectful, and is employed and owns his own home. ---- That wouldn't be you, would it?

VG: Me? No. I live in the back seat of my car and I'm on disability, I suffer from big mood swings, and I'm currently $34,000 in debt and I'm wanted in four states for mail fraud and larceny.

FN (LADY): Well, none of that is a deal-breaker as far as I'm concerned.

VG: Just got out of the slammer ten minutes ago for parking in a handicapped space.

FN (LADY): Well, we all make mistakes, don't we.

VG: Boy, I feel a big mood swing coming over me right now------blood pressure is a-rising!!!! ------ hold onto me, boys----- I'm rarin to raise a ruction ---- (TR & GK HOLD ONTO HIM) ---- this volcano's about to blow, boys------ this bronc is about to buck!!!! ------- HOOOOOO-EEEE.

GK: I recommend you leave, ma'am. I'm calling a SWAT team.

FN (LADY): (FAST FOOTSTEPS AWAY) Okay but I'll be back later. Bye. (DOOR SLAM)

(PAUSE)

VG: Is she gone?

GK: She's gone. She was the woman you were waiting for?

VG: Yep. That was her. Intelligent, attractive, and romantic.

TR: Unless this lady right here might be the one---- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

SS: Excuse me, I'm taking a survey of older men ---- would you have a few minutes to answer some questions?

DR: Excuse me (RATTLE OF GLASSWARE). Here's your drinks, gentlemen. Two-month old Roanoke rotgut and a vodka with cranberry juice with no vodka.

TR: Thanks.

GK: How about you, pal?

VG: I'd like a Pizzicato.

DR: What's that?

VG: I donno. I just read about it somewhere.

DR: Well, I don't make em.

VG: Okay, never mind.

GK: So you're taking a survey----

SS: Yes. Would you say you experience loneliness---- occasionally, frequently, seldom, or never.

GK: I'd say, constantly.

VG: Sometimes.

SS: Oh. Okay. -----Would you say that your loneliness now is greater or lesser than ten years ago?

GK: Greater.

VG: About the same.

SS: Is your loneliness alleviated by great works of art?

(PAUSE)

GK: No.

VG: Nope.

SS: Which one of these statements best reflects your feelings right now?
1. I'm so lonesome I could cry.
2. I want to lay my head on that railroad line and let the 4:19 pacify my mind.
3. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay, my O my what a wonderful day.
4. There's a better home a waitin' in the sky, Lord, in the sky.

GK: Those are my choices?

SS: Of those statements, which one best reflects your feelings right now.

VG: At this moment?

SS: Yes.

VG: At this moment, my feeling is
"All of my love
All of my kissin'
You don't know
What you been a missin',
O boy."

SS: I'm sorry, that's not an option.

VG: Then I'd say I'm so lonesome I could cry.

GK: I guess I'd go with the 4:19.

SS: Okay. Thanks for taking part.

GK: So what's the study for?

SS: It's for the Country Music Association, they want to know if people still want songs about loneliness.

GK: Oh. And what have you learned so far?

SS: Thanks to the Internet and social media, loneliness is down by about 87%.

GK: Huh.

SS: It's a thing of the past. What people want more songs about is nutrition.

GK: I see.

SS: Anyway, thanks.

GK: You're welcome. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)

VG: That's terrible. Songs about nutrition????

DR: She's right. People nowadays want songs that contain useful information to help them lead more fulfilling lives.

VG: What about the blues????

DR: What about the blues----- people don't want it. They want positive songs that make them better people. Like right here on the jukebox. Number B-14.

VG: B-14 used to be Merle Haggard singing "Here Stands The Glass".

DR: Not any more. (COIN DROPS, NEEDLE DROPS, STATIC. THEN MUSIC)

SD (SINGS):
Hey, hey, good lookin',
Whatcha got cookin'?
How's about cookin' somethin' gluten-free?
Hey, sweet baby,
Make a low-fat gravy
On brown rice with a pot of herbal tea.
Organic salad with soup on the side
That's not genetically modified,
Nothing made with growth hormones,
Everything natural and locally grown.
Hey, good lookin',
Whatcha got cookin'?
How's about cookin' ecologically? (INTO FIDDLE BREAK)

VG: TURN IT OFF. I CAN'T STAND IT!!!! (THUNK, SCRATCH OF NEEDLE. MUSIC STOPS)

(FOOTSTEPS)

SB: Hey, is the Country Music Hall of Fame anywhere around here?

GK: It's right over that way, lady.

SB: My car broke down a couple miles from here. Had to push it into a gas station and I figured while it's getting fixed I might as well see the sights. How much they charge to get into the Hall of Fame?

VG: I can get you in. I know people there.

SB: Who're you?

VG: I'm a friendly but respectful guy who's employed and owns his own home.

SB: Well, that's not bad for a start. You play music?

VG: I could learn.

SB: You ever been to South America?

VG: No and I can't wait to get there.

SB: You ever do yoga?

VG: When do we start?

SB: Hey, I think I could get to like you.

VG: I would make it as easy as possible.

SB: Hey bartender-----

DR: Yeah----

SB: Make me a Pizzicato.

DR: Don't know how.

SB: I'll make it myself then. Here (POURS) some rum ---- some lemon juice (SQUIRTS) ---- shot of brandy (SPLASH)---- dash of Tabasco (BLORT) ----- chop up some garlic (CHOPPING, SPLASH) and blend it up----- (BLENDER) ----- and we got ourselves a real drink. (POURING) Here--- how is it?

VG: (SIPS) Now that's what I call a Pizzicato.

DR: Want some glasses?

SB: Two plastic cups to go. (TWO QUICK POURS) So long.

VG: Good luck, boys. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE)

(PAUSE TWO BEATS)

DR: Another cranberry juice?

GK: No, I'm still working on this.

DR: Another whiskey? (TR SNORING) Guess not. What brings you to Nashville?

GK: I was supposed to meet a man from Argosy Records and sing him my song. Man named Gilbert Vance.

DR: That was him.

GK: The man who went out the door with the-----

DR: That was him. Looks like he's on his way to South America.

GK: I guess this is what they call a teaching moment but I'm not sure I want to learn what it has to teach.

DR: I know what you mean.

(THEME)

SS (ANNC): The Lives of the Cowboys. Brought to you by Trailblazer Towelettes. They cleanse the skin but they smell real.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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