Mom, May 11, 2013

Ryman Auditorium

Nashville, TN


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(PHONE RINGS, 3X, PICKUP)

GK: Hello?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Duane? Is that you?

GK: Mom?

SS: I hope this isn't a bad time.

GK: I'm in Nashville, Mom.

SS: I know that, honey, I called all over trying to find you. I called Solveig, I called Larry, I called your landlady. Finally I got hold of Larry's brother and he said you'd gone to Nashville.

GK: Right.

SS: So how long you planning to be down there?

GK: Well, I was thinking another week or so, it all depends on how my research goes, I have some appointments.....

SS: So you forgot about tomorrow?

GK: What?

SS: You forgot about tomorrow?

GK: Tomorrow......

SS: You forgot.

GK: What is tomorrow?

SS: It's okay, Duane. Don't give it a thought.

GK: What day is tomorrow?

SS: It's perfectly all right. We'll just have a quiet day at home.

GK: What did I do?

SS: No no. You just stay right there and do the important work that you're down there to do.

GK: What is tomorrow?

SS: I'm having a double hip replacement on Monday, but it's okay. Don't worry.

GK: What?!?!

SS: They'll just saw off my hip bones and stick some plastic ones in there. It's nothing.

GK: I didn't know your hips hurt......

SS: Honey, I've been in pain ever since I gave birth to you. Your head----- you rearranged my hips somehow ---- it hurts just to stand up.

GK: Sorry about that, mom.

SS: And it wasn't just my hips, either. It was other things. 36 hours of screaming that ended with your father passed out on the floor and then you and your head tearing the walls of my—

GK: ---can we talk about this later?

SS: -- just ripping it like a sheet, Duane. Rrrrip. The doctors said they'd never seen a head like that before. Not ever. It was like a snowplow.

GK: Where are you going to have it done?

SS: Well I already did it, honey. You were born.

GK: No, the hip replacement.

SS: Oh. It's a clinic in northern Wisconsin. A doctor named Walt. I saw his ad on the bus. You get 15% off with the coupon.

GK: Mom, don't do this, please.

SS: And the recovery time is only six months.

GK: Six months?!?

SS: But don't feel like you have to help. Your dad and I will figure this out. I made six big trays of lasagna and put them in the freezer and that'll last us for awhile.

GK: Can you put dad on the phone, please?

SS: He's busy right now. (TR, OFF) He's got a big nail through his foot. (TR, OFF).

GK: What?!

SS: He stepped on a big rusty nail and it went all the way through his shoe. So.

GK: Is he okay?

SS: Oh he's fine. He won't go in to the doctor though, so. What can you do? (TR, OFF)

GK: Is the nail still in his foot?

SS: I think so.

GK: You think so?? Has he had his tetanus shot?

SS: Well we're not sure. (TR, OFF)

GK: Put dad on the phone. Please?

SS: Well good luck. (OFF) Hank? Hank! (TR, OFF) It's Duane on the phone. He wants to talk to you. (TR, OFF) Just take the phone, Hank, take it. Igotta go check the popovers. (PHONE FUMBLES)

TR: Hello.

GK: Hi dad.

TR: Hi.

GK: I hear you've got a nail through your foot.

TR: Yeah pretty much.

GK: That sounds painful.

TR: It's not so bad. You get used to it.

GK: You're going to take the nail out, aren't you?

TR: I'm thinking about it.

GK: Maybe you should go to a doctor and get that done.

TR: Oh that's a lot of trouble.....

GK: Dad. Just go to the doctor.

TR: I'll be fine. How's Nashville?

GK: It's okay. Dad—go to the doctor.

TR: I'll give you back to your mother.

GK: Okay. Make an appointment though, dad.

TR (OFF): Here she is.

SS (OFF): What, you're done already? Here give me the phone. (TR, OFF) And don't touch those popovers, Hank. They're for dinner. Don't even look at them. (ON) Honey are you still there?

GK: Igotta go mom.

SS: Oh right. Well don't let me hold you back, honey. The old lady with the bad hips, spoiling the party for everybody.

GK: Mom.

SS: It's not easy, Duane. There you are, down in Nashville probably running around in a tank top and having a big old time-

GK: A tank top?

SS: And meanwhile your old parents are stuck here waiting for the end, with a bunch of frozen lasagna.

GK: Mom.

SS: I was thinking about going for a walk or something but you never know, I could get surprised by a raccoon and fall down and break my hip and I'd just lie there and wait for the wolves. (CRACKS)

GK: Mom.

SS: It will be in the paper.Woman Breaks Hip, Eaten By Wolves Two Days Before Hip Replacement. Newspapers love that irony, Duane.

GK: Well, just stay in the house then.

SS: Woman Breaks Hip, Eaten By Wolves On Mother's Day While Son Goes Dancing In Tank-Top In Nashville.

GK: Tomorrow?

SS: It's my last day going around in my original skeleton.

GK: Mother's Day? I thought that was later.

SS: Monday I'll be on a bed of pain, eating cold lasagna. (SOBS)

GK: Mom.

SS: What.

GK: I'll change my flight. I'm coming back on Sunday.

SS (SNIFFLING): You are?

GK: I am. For Mothers' Day.

SS: Oh. Well don't do it for me, honey. Do it if you want to.

GK: I want to mom. Okay? I'll see you Sunday.

SS: Only if you want to. I want you to have fun, Duane. That's all I want.

GK: I'm coming home, mom.

SS: Well isn't that a nice surprise.

GK: And we can deal with dad's nail then, too.

SS: Well good luck honey, that's all I'll say.

GK: Igotta go mom.

SS: I'll make you some popovers.

GK: Sounds good mom. See you soon.

SS: Okay honey, love you. And good luck changing your flight.

GK: Okay, Love you mom. Bye.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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