Guy Noir, June 1, 2013

Hill Auditorium

Ann Arbor, MI


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Guy Noir

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(THEME)

TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was June, and I was in Michigan, working on a case for the YMCA. The Ypsilanti Michigan Camping Association. Run by a man named Yip C. Landry.

TR (ON PHONE): Our campground reservations are down by 60%, Mr. Noir. I can't figure it out. Families don't seem to want to pitch a tent in the woods anymore. Can you come and help us? (STING, BRIDGE)

GK: So I flew to Ypsilanti on a no-frills airline called Lightweight Air. They fly six-passenger gliders and it costs 80% less but it can take up to eight hours to go 500 miles. And it can be turbulent.

(BING)

FN (P.A.): This is your pilot Pete. We are leveling off at an altitude of about 3000 feet and (SUDDEN RISING REACTION) ---- make that 3500 feet and we expect to hold this altitude for the next (SUDDEN FALLING REACTION) ----- if you'll look in the seat pocket in front of you, you will find a small plastic----- (SUDDEN RISING REACTION)------(BRIDGE)

GK: When you land, all the passengers need wheelchairs, and I was wheeled to baggage claim, where I saw no bags--

SS: We're very sorry but our pilot had to jettison the baggage in order to gain altitude during his landing approach. We apologize for the inconvenience. (STING)

GK: Mr. Landry was there to meet me and we drove out into the Ypsilanti Forest Preserve and walked through an empty campground. (SFX)

TR: Last year, this place was full up every weekend. Now, just a handful of people. Very few newcomers. That couple there----

GK: They're new to this?

TR: Right.

GK: They look sort of new. (FOOTSTEPS IN BRUSH, NEARING VOICES.....)

SS: What are you looking at me like that for?

FN: The orange stake goes over there.

SS: What color is this one?

FN: That's red.

SS: It looks orange to me. It's blood orange.

FN: Here, you just hold these poles, and I'll put the stakes in. (SFX)

SS: Well, don't throw them at me.

FN: I didn't.

SS: How come some of them are bigger than the other ones?

FN: That's just the way they are. (HAMMERING STAKES)

SS: Hey -- we didn't put down the footprint.

FN: Oh, dagnab it. Why didn't you tell me?

SS: Don't blame me. (SFX) Here, take it.

FN: Well, you could've said something. And that's not the footprint, that's the tarp. That other one's the footprint.

SS: Well excuse me all to pieces. (MOSQUITO, SLAP) Dang it. Where's the restrooms?

FN: That's your restroom right there.

SS: What, that shovel?

FN: It's a spade.

SS: What's that for?

FN: For digging a hole.

SS: For what?

FN: Figure it out.

SS: I'm supposed to dig my own toilet? With that little thing? I'm going to a motel.

FN: What are you doing??? (CAR REV, SHIFT, RACE AWAY)

GK: She drove away and she caught a tent rope and (RIPPPPPP) pulled the tent out and he was standing on it (FN CRY, FALL) and he banged his head on a tree (SFX) and he was so mad he threw his cellphone across the water, and it skipped seven times (SFX) before it sank (SFX)---- which made him even angrier (FN GIBBERISH PROFANITY) and he happened to have a stick of dynamite on him and he threw that into the water (FN CRY, FLING, SPLASH, PAUSE, UNDERWATER EXPLOSION) and that irritated a crocodile who was living in the lake and (SFX) he came out at high speed (CROC CRY) and he ate the man in two bites (SFX) and swallowed him. And game wardens had to come in a helicopter (SFX) and put the crocodile away with air-to-ground rockets. (SFX)

TR: Boy O boy. When this gets in the papers, it sure isn't going to attract more families out to our campground.

GK: Families already know the statistics, Mr. Landry. Summer camping is a leading cause of divorce. The ordeal of pitching a tent has brought many a marriage crashing to the ground. Look at that couple there.

SS (DEEP): What are you doing?

FN (LADY): I'm doing what you told me to do.

SS (DEEP): That doesn't go there.

FN (LADY): It does too. Look at the directions.

SS (DEEP): I don't need the directions. I've done this before.

FN (LADY): Don't use that tone of voice with me.

SS (DEEP): What tone of voice you talking about?

FN (LADY): That's it. I'm going to the car. (BRIDGE)

TR: So what's the answer, Mr. Noir?

GK: Hire skilled people to put up the tents before the clients come. Put the tents on wooden platforms so they don't flood in a storm. Furnish them with chairs and tables and real mattresses. Have permanent toilets and showers. Have room service.

TR: Room service----

GK: Tent service. With drinks in real glasses. People are tired of going camping and drinking wine in little metal mugs that they also eat soup in. A little elegance. And now I got to head home. That'll be $500 plus expenses. (STING) I flew home on Northwest. Most of Northwest merged with Delta but there's still one DC-3 (PROPELLERS REVVING) ---- TR (P.A.): Okay then. Here we go. Hang on now. Everybody doing okay then? I'll come around with the pretzels soon as I get her up in the air, okay? (ENGINE MISSING, COUGHING) Dang it, that fuel injection is nothing but a pain in the----- (BANGING WITH HAMMER, ENGINE REVS) There. That helped. Okay, folks, I got a problem in the fuel line now, we're gonna have to fly upside down for a ways, so hang on----- (ENGINE REVVING UP TO HIGH PITCH)

(THEME)

SS (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME OUT)

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