Rhubarb, June 22, 2013

Ravinia Festival

Highland Park, IL


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Rhubarb

Listen (MP3)

GK: So, you're turning 40 and you decide not to get depressed about that ----- (FN: It's only a number!) ---- and you decide to have a big party and charter a boat on Lake Michigan. (PARTY HORN). You look online and you find a boat—the Electric Seahorse—and you book it for you and 16 of your closest friends, including the beautiful young brand coordinator who started work three weeks ago in the cubicle next to yours (SS: Hi) and there's a DJ, (DANCE MUSIC), and there's a full bar and a waterslide off the back (SFX), and there's a grill where they're fixing barbecue ribs and the captain seems a little off-

TR (KIRK): Do you ever wonder how a great big heavy boat stays afloat? Did that ever cross your mind?

GK: And then you're off! (BOAT HORN)—and the champagne flows (SFX)— and then you notice that your boss didn't come.

FN: Where's Mr. Schroeder?

SS: Did you invite him?

FN: Of course.

GK: But there's no time to worry about that now ---- the captain anchors the boat and people put on their swimsuits and use that waterslide off the back (SFX), and then it's back to the bar for more champagne (SFX), and now the barbecue is ready and people sit down at a long table on deck and tear into the food (BESTIAL DEVOURING) and then the beautiful brand coordinator stands up (DINGING) ----and she makes a toast.

SS: I just want to say this about Randy ---- who I've only known for three weeks and yet it seems like years ---- this is a guy who, let me tell you, when you think you've got Randy figured out, huh uh, not even close. It's hard to know what to make of that. Or the next toast.

DR: Randy and I have worked together at Amalgamated Concrete for seventeen years and I have never met such a selfless guy. And I mean selfless. Randy, here's to you.

FN: Hey. I'm over here.

DR: You?

FN: I'm Randy.

DR: Oh. Right.

GK: And that's when the storm comes up. (SFX)

TR (KIRK): Has anybody seen the operating manual that shows how the bilge pumps work? Anybody seen that around? Little blue book?

GK: And the storm picks up quickly (WIND, THUNDER), and the generator goes out (SFX), and the waves are about four feet high (SFX), the boat is dark, no rudder—you're being tossed around on the lake (SFX), hot coals from the barbecue grill are skittering around the deck (SFX), and the captain is not up on the bridge, he's down below-----

TR (KIRK): This is fantastic champagne. Pour me another glass of the bubbly.

GK: And then the storm dies down and there you are—out on the water, engines won't work (STARTER AND DIE)—choppers overhead (SFX) but they can't see you (CRIES FOR HELP) - and the captain is behaving very oddly—

TR (KIRK): Did you ever think that you might have been a walleye in a previous life?

GK: And that's when your cellphone rings (SFX)—and you realize you're not on a boat (FN: WHAT?), you're at work, your head is down on your desk, there are saliva stains on the papers, and your boss is there in the cubicle with you ----

TR: Mr. Mickens----

FN: Yes, sir?

TR: Mr. Mickens, this is the fourth time this month I have found you sleeping on the job.

FN: Sir, I can explain----

TR: Don't. Pick up your stuff and get out, Mr. Mickens.

GK: So you do. And on your way out there's the beautiful brand coordinator-----

SS: Randy-----?

FN: Yes.

GK: And she is pointing toward her left nostril and then you realize----

FN: Oh my gosh.

GK: It's in your nose. It's the size of a marshmallow. It's enormous.

SS: Here's a Kleenex.

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of Rhubarb Pie? Yes nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie and Rhubarb Pie Filling.

(RHUBARB SONG)

GK (SINGS):
But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is homemade rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET:
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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