Guy Noir, September 14, 2013

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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Guy Noir

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TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye
(THEME)

GK: It was September, a beautiful month in Minnesota, and it would've been even more so if I could just get rid of the last fly in my office. (FLY CIRCLING) He was just getting on my nerves and the longer I tried to kill him (WHACK OF FLYSWATTER) (FLY CONTINUES) I got more and more frustrated, and I could start to appreciate what Captain Ahab went through with that whale (SWATTER. FLY CONTINUES) ---- I was sure it was this same fly who took a bite out of my thumb --- and as long as he was around there would be no noontime naps for me (WHACK OF SWATTER. FLY CONTINUES) ----- I was getting downright peeved and then he came straight at me (FLY DOES NYAA NYAA NYAA) and I got a little carried away (GUNSHOTS) (PAUSE) (FLY RESUMES). In addition to the fly, there were a number of disturbing messages on my answering machine. (BEEP)

FN: Mr. Noir, it's Joe at The Frame-Up shop. We're framing your college diploma and I couldn't help but notice that "Yale" was spelled with an "J" ---- so do you want us to go ahead with it? Maybe you should call us. Thanks... (BEEP)

SS (ON MACHINE): Mr. Noir, it's Denise Herberger at the bank. We seem to have a problem with your checking account, Mr. Noir ---- could you come down and talk to us about it? You might want to bring a lawyer. (BEEP)

TR (ON MACHINE): Hello, it's Dr. Nelson, the surgeon who did your chin lift? Mr. Noir. I took another look at the X-rays and I'm wondering if by any chance you've been coughing up rubber bands. (BEEP)

SS (ON MACHINE): Mr. Noir, this is Joanne at the Watchtower Society. You weren't there when we visited yesterday and we're worried about you so today we came to see you----we're right outside your door.----- (CLICK)

FN (ON MACHINE): Guy, it's Louie, up at the Nicollay. We got a problem. With a singer. The name's Eldorado DiNatali and she's got a big hit record called "Amore, That's My Story" and it's all over the charts and she's got vocal problems that she says are caused by a curse put on her by a tenor named Carlo Montevideo and the last two nights she's come to work with a pistol in her bodice. Could you come over, a.s.a.p.? (CLICK, BRIDGE)

GK: A soprano with a pistol in her bodice. How could I say no? (BRIDGE) The Nicollay is a nightclub where the shows are in the late afternoon. Very popular among the older crowd. When I got there she was in the middle of her first set.

ED (SINGS, LOW, SMOKY, HALF SPOKEN):
....It had to be you, and I said, Yoo hoo
I'm new in this town, walking around, nothing to do
It's a case of the flu----
A stone in my shoe
It's just bad news, I've got the blues, up the wazoo.

GK: She was beautiful. She stood by the piano, cigarette in one hand, mic in the other, surrounded by a crowd of lonely old men leaning forward, dreaming their dreams.

ED (SINGS, LOW, SMOKY, HALF SPOKEN):
I wish it were me, I wish it were me
With you on the farm, held in your arms, drinking iced tea
O how happy I'd be,
Raising poultry,
In my blue jeans, cooking up beans, all gluten-free.

GK: She's got this crowd in the palm of her hand, Louie.

FN: Her voice ---- it mesmerizes them. If she sang about romance, they'd go crazy. So she sings about nutrition and agriculture, and still they're all in love with her.

ED (SINGS):
I always wanted to live in Anoka
To have a big house and a garden that's ours (ars)
And every fall we'd can tomatoes,
Quarts of tomatoes in big glass jars.
I'd heat up jars in a pressure cooker
The kitchen would be filled with steam.
Canning tomatoes and corn and pickles,
In Anoka, Minnesota, that is my dream,
For sure.....for sure....for sure.....l'amour.

TR (OFF, SHOUTING PASSIONATE THOUGHTS IN ITALIAN)

GK: Who's the clown in the back?

FN: That's the guy who's in love with her. Grab him, boys! (FIGHT SCENE, TR RICO VS TR TENOR, SHOUTS, CHAOS, INTO BRIDGE)

GK: They got the heckler out of there and then she started in on her next song.

ED (SINGS, LOW):
Dinner's for him, fish got to fry,
Making a salad, baking a pie, Can't help feeding that man of mine. ----- Hojotoho!! Hojotoho!!! Hojotoho!!!----

(BIG CRASH, SHOUTS, CONFUSION)

GK: She let out three cries and a man fell off his stool and people spilled their drinks.

ED (SINGS):: Hojotoho!! Hojotoho!!! Hojotoho!!!----

GK: What is that?

FN: The cry of the Valkyries----- from Wagner.

GK: And who's that coming??

TR (TENOR, SINGS): Hojotoho!! Hojotoho!!! Hojotoho!!!----

FN: GET HIM OUT OF HERE. (SHOUTS, BRIDGE)

GK: I went back to Miss DiNatali's dressing room between the 3 o'clock and the 5 o'clock shows.

ED: I don't know what happened. It just came out of me. The hojotoho.

GK: Maybe it's Tourette's.

ED: I think it's regrets.

GK: You wanted to be a Wagnerian soprano?

ED: When I was eleven years old, I got a helmet with horns for my birthday. I still have it.

GK: So who's the tenor?

ED: A guy named Montevideo. He's in love with me.

GK: Not hard to imagine.

ED: Have you ever known a tenor? Something about the upper register scrambles their brains. They're like two-year-olds. The men who light my fire are baritones. And basses.

GK: Oh really. Interesting.

ED: Oh, Mr. Noir ---- I need your help. I need someone to watch me when I sleep.

GK: Oh?

ED: Have you ever heard of sleep singing?

GK: Walking in your sleep----

ED: And singing. Soprano somnambulism.

GK: What does this have to do with Mr. Montevideo?

ED: I don't know. That's what I need you to find out. (BRIDGE)

GK: So that evening I reported to Miss DiNatali's boudoir for duty. A penthouse apartment, very dark, heavy drapes, a bed big enough to park a bus, black velvet canopy with curtains, and inside it, she lay with a sleep mask and two layers of green skin cream.

ED (OFF): I just need you to record any sounds I make. And also could you take my calls?

GK: Okay.

ED (OFF): And if Montevideo calls, tell him to bug off.

GK: Okay.

ED (OFF): Good night.

GK: Good night. (BRIDGE) I turned off the ringer on the phone and right away the light flashed and it was an incoming call----- (PICK UP) yeah, hello.

SS (BITTER): Is Ellie there?

GK: She's sleeping.

SS (BITTER): Who are you?

GK: A friend.

SS: Oh. Well goody goody gumdrops. I need to talk to her.

GK: Who is this?

SS: It's Elaine. She and I were in choir together. I stood next to her in the soprano section. And then my voice changed. I drank too much coffee and I became a mezzo. Ha. A mezzo. A fancy name for someone who waits on tables. I watched her career, saw her on magazine covers, on TV talk shows, and I couldn't stand it any more. Why am I telling you all this?

GK: Why are you telling me this?

SS: Anyway. I went to a hunchback and got a white powder and put it in her wine glass at our high school reunion and that is why she has these little vocal outbreaks. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

GK: So you put a curse on her.

SS (BITTER): Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha.

(ED BEGINS SLEEPWALKING ARIA)

GK: Oh no. Miss DiNatali-----go back to sleep, Miss DiNatali-----

ED (SINGING, WALKING)----

GK: WHERE ARE YOU GOING, MISS DiNatali----

ED (SINGING)

GK: NOT OUT ON THE BALCONY, PLEASE-----

ED (SINGING)

GK: Put the pistol back in your bodice, MISS DiNatali??

ED (SINGING) (GUNSHOTS)

GK: OH BOY. AND NOW SHE'S CLIMBING UP ON THE RAILING---- THIS IS NOT "TOSCA" MISS DiNatali---- DON'T DO IT----

ED (SINGING, FALLING. BIG SPLASH)

GK: Thank goodness for swimming pools---- Are you all right???

(SPLOSHING, SPLASHING)

TR (OFF, SINGING): I am a tenor, I come from Italy, And I'm in love with you, Miss DiNatali------

GK: DON'T SHOOT THE TENOR, MA'AM--- PLEASE---- PUT THE PISTOL AWAY!

ED (OFF): What pistol? (GUNSHOTS) Oh. That pistol.

TR (BARITONE, SINGING): I was a tenor.....Used to sing way up high.....now I'm a baritone.....I'm just a normal guy.

ED: Be still my beating heart. Suddenly I look at you and I see everything I want in life. A garden. Tomatoes. A pressure cooker.

GK: Your old rival Elaine put a curse on you but the curse will end when you find true love. Which I guess you have.

ED: I love a man who can get down low.

TR (SINGS, BASSO): Eldorado.....Eldorado.

ED: At last. Love. Happiness. And I think I have a big career change ahead of me.

GK: Opera?

ED (SINGS, HIGH): Opera!!!

GK: Opera is hard, kid. Singing in a foreign language with no microphone in a huge hall.

ED: Ehhhh. I could do it in my sleep. (THEME)

TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building. One man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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