P.O.E.M., October 5, 2013

The Fitzgerald Theater

Saint Paul, MN


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TR: Next station stop, St. Paul! (BRAKES OF TRAIN, HISS OF STEAM)

GK: When I came home from Hollywood on the Empire Builder, Natasha was waiting for me at the Union Station in St. Paul-----

SS: Oh, my dollink. My dollink. I luff you, I luff you. You are my dollink. Yes, you, dollink.

GK: Her brown eyes gazed up at me with a luminous intensity under her wild chestnut hair. I threw her over my shoulder and (STRIDING OF BOOTS THROUGH CROWD) made my way through the crowded terminal when suddenly----

TR (HIGH): No! You cannot have her! You filthy beast! You dog! You---- (CRACK OF PUNCH. OOFFF. FALL OF BODY. STRIDE RESUMES)

GK: Having to fight off her old boyfriends is the price of being in love with a beautiful woman. (OMINOUS CLINK OF A STEEL SABER).

TR (SLOWLY, WITH HEAVY SLAVIC ACCENT): You are surprised to see me? You had forgotten Boris? Heh heh. I never forget you. Heh heh heh heh. (CLINK OF SWORDPLAY. TR WOUNDED, FALLS, DIES.) (FOOTSTEPS RESUME)

GK: Natasha knew many men before she met me, but none that she really loved as she loves me.

SS: Dollink ----

GK: Yes?

SS: Shouldn't you say, "none WHOM she really loved"----- instead of "none THAT she really loved"? I don't mean to correct you, dollink. You so smart----

GK: I guess I don't get what you're saying, darling.

FN: Hold it right there. (FOOTSTEPS)

GK: What do you want, Turgeson?

FN: I want her.

GK: You can't have her.

FN: Then I challenge you to a duel. (SLAP)

GK: Fine. Choose your weapon. Sword? Pistol? Bullwhip?

FN: English grammar.

GK: What?

FN: You heard me. Let's hear you declare your love for her using the subjunctive mood.

GK: The subjunctive mood????

FN: You don't know what it is, do you.

GK: Darn.

FN: Let me show you. ----- "I suggest that you avoid men like him, Natasha, for if I were to meet him, I would defeat him in a duel as if he had been punctured with the sword."

GK: I don't get it.

SS: You beeg dommy. I don't luff you, you too stoopid. You not even know subjunctive mood, you dommy.

GK: Natasha---- No----

SS: I want him. He's an Eenglish major.

GK: But----

SS: He's a real man. He knows Eenglish. Too bad for you. Goodbye.

FN: C'mon, baby.

SS: I luff you. You my dollink now.

TR: A message from the Professional Organization of English Majors.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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