GK: When I was a boy we used to take a little piece of cardboard and fasten it to the fender brace with a clothespin so the spokes of the rear wheel hit it and it made a sound like a motor, like this ----- (SFX) ----- it was beautiful, to hear that sound and dream of motorized transportation, a boy's fantasy, and we'd ride in a pack and carry machine guns and wipe out all the communists we met (SFX), they were very wily communists and tried to ambush them but our trusty machine guns took care of them (SFX), and we rode on to victory on our motorcycles (SFX) which sometimes, when we needed, became helicopters (SFX) or sometimes they were horses (SFX) when we needed to ride to the Fort and save the settlers from an attack by the Apaches whose arrows (SFX) were flying, flaming arrows (SFX), but a few shots from our trusty rifles (SFX) took care of the matter. And then we had to deal with the Confederates and General Pickett who was leading a crazy charge straight into our cannon (SFX) and we stood there in the heat and smoke as (SFX) the artillery blew them away. And after we won that war, we climbed into Dad's car which became a B-27 and we took off (SFX) and headed for Berlin as Luftwaffe Messerschmidts came in at 8 o'clock low (SFX) and we banked sharply to the left (SFX) and the tail gunner blew them away (SFX). And on we went through heavy anti-aircraft fire (SFX) until we were over Berlin and we dropped our payload (SFX) and watched as the bombs blew up Hitler's Chancellery (SFX). (BRIDGE)
GK: And then when I was 12 or 13, it all ended. You couldn't run around shooting at people anymore. You could play football but your life as a warrior was gone and if you snuck into Dad's car one day and (FN AS KID MAKING B-27 SOUND) pretended you were flying, suddenly Dad would appear.
(CAR DOOR OPEN)
FN: What are you doing in here?
GK: Just sitting here.
FN: Why aren't you mowing the lawn?
GK: Just taking a break.
FN: Well, I think you better finish your chores before you take a break. Okay?
GK: In a minute.
GK: I work in an office, I use the computer (SFX), and a coffee maker (SFX) ----electric pencil sharpener (SFX) ---- and a copier. (COPIER) And sometimes the copier becomes (SONAR) a sonar screen and I'm steering my nuclear sub through shark-infested waters ----
GK: …and I go back to my cubicle and I go to a website called battle.dot.sub and the sub comes up on the screen and whales out there (WHALES) and dolphins---- (SFX) ----- periscope up (SFX) ---- and I can see the Bismarck sailing straight toward me ----- (THRUM OF ENGINES) ----- prepare forward torpedo ---- (REPEAT ORDER, ON INTERCOM) ---- battle stations (KLAXON) ----- aim bow torpedo---- (REPEAT ORDER) ----- prepare to fire (REPEAT ORDER) ---- she's closing to 1500 yards----
FN: What are you doing?
FN: Are you almost done with that report on the Hecksher case? I need that.
GK: I am, yes. Just testing this app, sir.
FN: Testing it with what?
GK: Testing it with a special program, sir.
FN: Okay. Come in my office when you're done. I'm waiting.
GK: Yes, sir.
GK: (SONAR) And the Bismarck is closing to 1000 yards---- fire first torpedo (REPEAT ORDER, FIRE. PAUSE DISTANT EXPLOSION) Fire second torpedo
(REPEAT ORDER. FIRE. PAUSE. DISTANT EXPLOSION). Success. Sank the Bismarck. The war for democracy has been won. Almost. (FOOTSTEPS) (KNOCKS) (FN INSIDE: Come in.) (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS, STOP)
FN: Why are you carrying that stapler, Carson?
GK: This isn't a stapler. It's a ray gun, sir. And when I fire it, you will turn into a small cloud of gaseous molecules. I've taken all I'm going to take from you.
FN: Oh yeah? Well, the reason I'm boss around here and you aren't is that I have this enormous desk and you have a tiny cubicle and you want to know why my desk is bigger? It's because it holds three heat-seeking missiles that the moment I reach over here and touch this picture of my wife and kids, will turn you into a cloud of ash. Want me to show you?
GK: That's up to you, sir, but just know that I have this laser pen. It looks like an ordinary rollerball but if I aim it at you and fire (GK SFX) it will turn you into a helpless idiot.
FN: That doesn't sound like a laser, that sounds like a busted cell phone. Or a wounded deerfly. A laser sounds like this (SFX).
GK: That's the old-fashioned analog laser. This is the powerful digital one (GK SFX)
FN: Sounds like _______________.
GK: Don't make me use it. Don't make me use it.
Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).