Rhubarb, October 26, 2013

The Orpheum Theatre

Memphis, TN


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Rhubarb

Listen (MP3)

GK: So you're having a dinner party and inviting your wife's cousins from California and they don't eat meat, no glutens, no dairy. No GMOs. So they arrive and they come in and of course they're very nice.

BG: Hi. I'm Sasha. This is Gregory. I'm sorry, but would you mind taking off your shirt? Gregory is very sensitive to polyester.

FN: No problem.

BG: And your dog? (WOOF)

FN: Out?

BG: Out.

FN: Out, Rex. (WOOF)

BG: Do you mind if I ask where you get your lettuce? Is it local? In Santa Barbara, our lettuce is carried in woven baskets by indigenous people in sandals.

GK: The list of stuff they don't eat is almost all-inclusive. So you've whipped up this meal mainly from lentils and kale and bamboo shoots, all local, organic, non-GMO. The ingredients cost you three hundred eleven dollars and 42 cents. All to make this small warm brownish loaf that looks like something dropped by a bison.

BG: I hope that's not dairy yoghurt on top. Gregory can't have dairy yoghurt.

FN: It's from rabbit milk.

BG: Gregory is specifically allergic to rabbit milk.

FN: I am so sorry.

GK: And you take the loaf back to the kitchen and you wipe every smidge of rabbit yoghurt from it and back to the dining room you go.

BG: Oh this looks wonderful. (EATING SFX, CLINKING, CHEWING)

GK: They dig in and they love the lentil loaf until-----

TR (GASPS, CHOKES)

BG: Honey? What's wrong? Oh my gosh. Your face is all swollen up.

TR (GROANING)

FN (LADY): Call the ambulance, honey!

GK: So you run into the kitchen (SFX) and you grab the phone and you call 911 (SFX) and that's when you see the toilet bowl cleaner sitting next to the stove. Why would you put toilet bowl cleaner on a lentil loaf?

BG: Dutch cleanser, eh? Did you know that I am also a lawyer?

GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of organic, non-GMO Rhubarb Pie? Yes nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beboparebop Rhubarb Pie and Rhubarb Pie Filling.

HT (SINGS):
Rhubarb - for the poet.
It's the secret of the good life as we know it.

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