Guy Noir, November 2, 2013

The State Theatre

Minneapolis, MN


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Guy Noir

Listen (MP3)

(GUY NOIR THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions --- Guy Noir, Private Eye ---

(MUSIC)

GK: It was November, and the leaves were turning and a chill was in the air, which makes a guy walk a little faster, which improves the circulation, which makes you smarter.  On the other hand, it was in November when we elected this Congress that shut down the government. So who knows. (BRIDGE) It was kind of a rough morning for me. First of all, Sam O'Hoolihan called, my old officemate, used to be a private eye like me----

FN (ON PHONE): Guy! How are ya! Great to hear your voice! Listen, just called to share the good news. I'm getting the Entrepreneur of the Year Award on Tuesday. Big banquet. I'm in investments now. Three-hundred million last year alone. Wonder if you'd like to buy a table for the banquet. Ten-grand. What do you say?

GK: And then ----

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): Hi Guy. It's me. Sugar. Listen. Maybe you didn't hear ---- I got engaged to a wonderful guy and I have never been so happy. This is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. His name is Sam. Sam O'Hoolihan. He's in investment banking.  I want you to meet him. (STING), BRIDGE)

GK: It was kind of a jolt, me standing there with a stack of unpaid bills, wondering if I had enough in my checking account to cover lunch, and then who should walk in but a client, a real client?

(FOOTSTEPS)

TR: Hi. I saw the door was open.

GK: Sure. Come in.

TR: Thanks.

GK: Have a seat.

TR: Don't mind if I do. (FOOTSTEPS, CHAIR CREAK)

GK: So--------

TR: Getting cold out there.

GK: I noticed that too.

TR: Probably snow soon.

GK: One could say that. So----

TR: Nice office.

GK: Thanks.

TR: You're a private eye.

GK: That's right.

TR: Yeah.

GK: Was there something on your mind?

TR: Yeah. Trying to remember what it was.

GK: Did you just wake up or something? You seem a little deliberate.

TR: Yeah, I just got up. Not quite awake.

GK: Uh huh.

TR:  Good sleeping weather in November.

GK: Right.

TR: And December.

GK: I suppose.

TR: January isn't bad either.

GK: I hear that.

TR: A person needs more sleep than he thinks. They say that, you know. Sleep experts.

GK: Uh huh.

TR:  I used to get by on eight hours a night and it wasn't enough.

GK: I see. How many hours a night do you get?

TR: Twenty.

GK: Twenty hours.

TR: That's right.

GK: Every night.

TR: Seems like a lot, doesn't it.

GK: I didn't know it was possible.

TR: Oh yeah. You have to train for it. You know. But gradually you can sleep longer and longer.

GK: I'll take your word for it.

TR: I've been sleeping twenty hours a night for the past eleven years. Made a huge difference in my life.

GK: I can imagine.

TR: I got up to twenty-two for awhile but that was too much.

GK: Uh huh. Don't you have to get up and go to the bathroom?

TR: Depends.

GK: Oh. Sure. How do you hold a job sleeping that much?

TR: Don't need a job. Your cost of living is so low---- Good sleeping bag. An automobile. That's all you need.

GK: You sleep in your car----

TR: Driver's seat reclines all the way. It's perfect.

GK:  So you're not married?

TR: She left a long time ago.

GK: I suppose. You don't feel like you're missing out on life?

TR: When you sleep twenty hours a night, those four remaining hours are really intense. It's like a movie or something. I like to go in a laundromat and watch the clothes spinning in the dryer. You ever do that?

GK: Not so far. Anyway, Mr. -----

TR:  Springer.

GK: Mr. Springer, what can I do for you?

TR:  I lost my car keys.

GK:  Where were you?

TR: In the back seat.

GK: And they're not there?

TR: Nope. Have to move the car cause it's No Parking after 4 o'clock.

GK: Where is it?

TR: Couple blocks from here. In front of the West Hotel. I think. Or maybe the Curtis.

GK: Do you maybe need some coffee?

TR: Don't drink coffee.

GK: Maybe you should.

TR: Coffee makes me jittery.

GK: Jittery isn't bad compared to unconscious. I'll have a look for the keys, Mr. Springer. Do you have a cellphone?

TR: Got rid of it. Kept waking me up.

GK:  Go back to your car, I'll find you.

TR: I'm awfully tired. Do you mind if I----

GK: Mr. Springer, this is an office. It isn't a hotel. Please. Don't. (LIGHT SNORING) So  I left him there and headed out to look for his car and ran into a woman by the elevator.

SS: Mr. Noir?

GK: Yes?

SS: The names Lola Fazzola.

GK: She was lean and wore a green corduroy jumper and a navy blue cardigan. There was something about the glasses on the chain and pencil tucked over her ear that made my heart go pitter-pat. ---- You're a librarian, aren't you.

SS:   You must be a detective.

GK: Sometimes. And sometimes I'm just a very lonely man in search of company.

SS: That's why I'm here. I want to find a man, Mr. Noir. I've been living in Uptown for years and all the single men I meet are all fussed up about their hair and about moisturizing and I want to find a man's man, the strong silent type.

GK:  I'm not into moisturizing, as you can see, and off the top of my head I can't imagine being interested in hair.

SS: I see that. But I'm afraid you're ----- what is the word-----

GK: Perfect?

SS: No.

GK: Unreasonably alluring?

SS: I'm afraid you're too---- experienced -----

GK: And by "experienced" you mean ---- old.

SS: I do.

GK: Say that again.

SS: I do.

GK: It's so thrilling to hear that.

SS: I hear breathing from in that room.

GK: It's some homeless guy I'm trying to help.

SS: Mind if I take a look?

GK: Be my guest.

(FOOTSTEPS AND STOP, TR BREATHING)

SS: He's Norwegian. I can tell by his eyes.

GK: His eyes are closed.

SS: I pried one open. He's Norwegian. I can smell the pork sausage on his breath. I love Norwegian men. They blush if you so much as say the word "intersection". Very shy. No eye contact.  I like that.

GK:  The guy lives in the backseat of his car.

SS: I never used to believe in love at first sight but now I do.

GK: He's asleep!

SS: Did you ever read the story of Sleeping Beauty, Mr. Noir?

GK: I don't think this guy is going to turn out to be a prince.

SS: Sir----- Sir-------- (TR AWAKENING) ----- wake up, sir.

TR: Huh? Who----- what is-----

SS: You're wonderful, you know that? (A SLOW KISS)

TR: Boy O boy. A guy could get used to that, that's for darn tootin'. 

SS: Come on, we're going to my place.

GK: What about your car, Mr. Springer? We're looking for your keys.

TR: Hey. Here they are. Right in my pocket.

SS:  All you need is something worth staying awake for. And you're looking at it.

TR: Oh boy.

GK: Your car needs to be moved, Mr. Springer.

TR: Here. You can have it. It's a 1997 Dodge Dart. Lot of plastic bags in the backseat. Full of bottles. You can turn em in for a nickel apiece. All yours. Enjoy.

SS: Come, darling. I think this is the beginning of a  beautiful friendship. (BRIDGE)

GK: I found the car and I looked around to make sure nobody was looking and I cashed in the bottles and bought lunch and I sold the car on E-Bay to a guy in Minneapolis and drove it over there and it was late and the buses weren't running so---- I spent the night. It wasn't bad. Nice sleeping bag. I slept eight hours, which is good for me, and got a hundred twenty bucks for the car and all in all it wasn't a bad day. I'm thinking, maybe I'm alone because I talk too much. I'm going to try to be low-key for awhile. See what happens. You never know. So. Take it easy. Okay?

(THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.

(THEME UP AND OUT)

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