Safety, November 2, 2013

The State Theatre

Minneapolis, MN


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Safety

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(RESTAURANT AMBIENCE)

SS:  I love this restaurant. It's so romantic. Especially with that full moon out.

TR (GROWLY): Yes. A full moon.

SS: Is something wrong, Wolfgang?  I couldn't help but notice that you ordered your flank steak rare and  ate it with your hands. And it looks like your beard is growing up over your cheeks and on your forehead.

TR (GROWLY): It's a hormonal thing. I meant to tell you.

(BRIDGE)

GK: Online dating. It's a shot in the dark. You never know what you'll find.

TR (GROWLY): Would you like to go for a walk in the woods? And look at the moooooooooooooooooon?

GK: Never date someone sight unseen. Always get a visual. Use Skype.

FN: Hi, Lois. It's me, Max. Nice to meet you.

SS (WITCH): And it's very nice to meet you.

FN: You're older than 33, aren't you?

SS  (WITCH): I can be as old or young as you want me to be. How old would you like to be? How about two and a half? (POOF)

FN (SMALL CHILD): Hi, Lois. What happened? Suddenly my shoes are too big.

SS (WITCH): Hold out your finger, Max. Hmmmmm. So boney. We'll have to fatten you up a little. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh. 

GK: Look before you leap. That's the advice of the National Romance Safety Council.

(FROG)

SS: I sense that you want me to kiss you. (FROG: Yes.) I've never kissed a frog before. (FROG: Try it.) I don't know. (FROG: Please.) Are you sure you're a prince? (FROG: Do it. Do it.)

GK: Now the National Romance Safety Council offers a Romance Security App. Just open up your phone and let the App hear what your prospective boyfriend/girlfriend says and get an immediate cue.

TR (VAMPIRE): I love your bedroom. The curtains. The way the wind blows through them. Beautiful. (KLAXON)

SS: I sense a powerful life force in you, a givingness, pro-activity ---- would you mind if I touch your aura? I won't move it. I just want to feel it. (KLAXON)

FN: I got my MBA at the Wharton School but my real love is mime ---- I spend four hours a day in the park, in gold paint, dressed up as the Sphinx ---- it's like meditation for me. (KLAXON)

GK: I'm a poet— could I show you my work?  (KLAXON)

TR: I'm a plumber and if you'll excuse me I'll get some tools out of the truck and come in and fix that toilet of yours. (HAPPY BING BONG)

GK: The National Romance Safety Council. Go ahead and get crazy, but do it safely.

HT (SINGS):
Fall in love
But fall carefully,
Avoiding illicit relations.
A word from the N.R.S.C.
A member of the Associated Federation of Organizations.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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