Celebrities, November 9, 2013

The Chief Theater

Bemidji, MN


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GK: Time once again for Famous Celebrities, brought to you by MarVel, makers of CoNex. Deer hunting season in Minnesota and how are famous people planning to spend today. Mr. President, where are you?

TR (OBAMA):  Hello! I myself was slow to become a hunter, because frankly on the South Side of Chicago a rifle is just not a good idea, but this year I am in Bemidji and I am using a small drone to go after deer --- (BEEPS) that's the shiny dot on the screen and I just move the joystick and there's my deer (GUNSHOTS). Whoops.

GK: Looks like you shot a barn, Mr. President.

TR (OBAMA): Shoot.

GK: You did and you missed.

TR (OBAMA): Same people programmed this who did the HealthCare website.

GK: Well, maybe you can try it again next year. -- Mr. Bush, how is deer hunting season going for you?

TR (BUSH): Heh heh heh heh. I come up to Bemidji. Big crowd at the airport. Demonstrators. Yelling at me. Yelling, B.S.U. B.S.U.  Then I realize they're yelling at some hockey players. Had nothing to do with me. Or with B.S. Heh heh heh heh. 

GK: So you're here to go hunting?

TR (BUSH): I'm here to do some brush cutting. Get the brush cleared out so you can see the deer. And see any other type of infiltrators out there in your perimeter. Evil doers. That type of person.

GK: Okay. 

TR (BUSH): Plus it's great exercise.

GK: President Clinton?

TR (CLINTON): I don't care much for traipsing around in the woods. I get enough of that playing golf. I'm retired now. I enjoy watching other people go do things I don't need to do anymore

GK: Welcome to the club. Mr. Bob Dylan, you're here for deer hunting?

TR (DYLAN, SINGS W RK GUITAR):

I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty cornfields
I've walked on the gravel of six county highways
I've stepped in the middle of six manure piles
I've been out in front of a dozen drunk hunters
I've been lost in the forests of Beltrami County
And it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
And it's a hard going hunting for deer.

GK: Thank you. Jack Nicholson? You're here to go hunting.

TR (JACK): Yes, but not for deer. I've got the sunglasses on, I've got the Hawaiian shirt, I've got the penthouse suite at the Bemidji Four Seasons, the champagne is on ice, and I'm waiting for the phone to start ringing. I've been irresistible for so long I forget what I did but whatever it is it's still working. (PHONE RING) Excuse me.

GK: Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York, how do you like Bemidji?

TR (BLOOMBERG): It's got a very nice lake. It's not a huge lake, it's not the Central Park Reservoir, but it's a perfectly good lake. The statue of Paul Bunyan is nice. Not the Statue of Liberty, but it's not bad. My motel is clean but there is no room service, just a free breakfast in the lobby. I tried one of the bagels and it was not a bagel as I would consider a bagel. I would call it a roll. A roll with raisins in it.

GK: Are you going hunting?

TR (BLOOMBERG): No, I am not. And nobody I know is going either.

GK: Okay. Tom Brokaw? You're going hunting?

TR (BROKAW): No, I'm here to do a documentary about the Northern Lights, the Aurora Borealis, and whether it makes people weird.

GK: I see.

TR (BROKAW): There's a lot of people living out in the woods who you never see in town, living inside tree trunks and roaming around, little people with hairy hands and big noses.

GK: You've seen them?

TR (BROKAW): That's what I'm here for.

GK: Okay. Good luck.

TR (KISSINGER): I'm in Bemidji on my way back home to Bismarck, North Dakota. I go deer hunting back there with my brothers.

GK: You're from Bismarck, North Dakota? I thought you were from Germany.

TR (KISSINGER): I speak with a German accent but I am from North Dakota.

GK: I see. Why?

TR (KISSINGER): Have you ever heard people from North Dakota talk?

GK: Yes, I have.

TR (KISSINGER): Well, if I talked like that, I never would have gotten into Harvard.

GK: I see. So what does your North Dakota accent sound like?

TR (KISSINGER): (DAKOTA) Hello, I am Henry Kissinger from Bismarck. How are you doing then?

GK: I see what you mean.

TR (KISSINGER): This accent sounds like I know a lot more than I am telling you, doesn't it.

GK: It sure does.  That's all the time we have today (THEME) for Famous Celebrities, brought to you by MarCon, makers of DelRay. (OUT)

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