Trans Fat, November 9, 2013

The Chief Theater

Bemidji, MN

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Trans Fat

Listen (MP3)


GK: Once upon a time in Washington, at the Food & Drug Administration (TRUMPET FANFARE)

FN (WITH ECHOES): We ---- hereby ---- declare-----that transfats----- are forbidden----because---- they cause heart disease. No more transfats! (ORDER REPEATED)

GK: And so the edict was handed down, and the word went out to the peasantry. No more microwave popcorn. No more fast-food French fries.

TR (COCKNEY): What? No more French fries???!!!!

SS (COCKNEY): But I love me microwave popcorn. And me French fries.

FN (COCKNEY): How can they say fries are illegal?

SS (COCKNEY): Right. What do they know?? Huh?? 

TR (COCKNEY): Awwwwwwwwwwww.


TR: (NEWSCASTER) In Congress, 45 members of the Trans-Fat Party have managed to shut down the federal government and say they will not raise the debt ceiling unless President Obama overrules the FDA ban-----

GK: And so a battle ensues (SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE, HAND TO HAND COMBAT), the great Trans-Fat war between the forces of liberty ---

SS (COCKNEY): I wants me pizza and if you don't like it then you'll have to take it outta me cold stiff fingers---- (CRIES OF ASSENT) ---

GK: And the food police----

TR (HIGH BRIT): Just look at the statistics. Use your common sense. We're doing this for your own good. (SPLATS OF ROTTEN TOMATOES) (STRUGGLE)

GK: And gradually the food police gained the upper hand, as more and more of the Trans Fat people fell---- (TR CHOKES, FALLS, GROANING)

SS (COCKNEY): Georgie? What's wrong, luv? Get up.

FN: He'll be okay. It's only a heart attack. (BRIDGE)

GK: And then one day a startling announcement----


TR (NEWSCASTER): McDonald's revealed today that, as of one year ago, all of its products have been made 100% of lentils and kale.

FN (CEO): Our research lab has found a way to create reliable transfat taste entirely with legumes and green leafy vegetables.

GK: And the golden arches turn to green. And the peasants come to accept this.

SS (COCKNEY, MOUTH FULL): Well, it sure tastes like greasy old hamburgers to me. Super-size me lentils.

GK: Except for roving bands of food outlaws working the outskirts of cities.

TR (LOW GROWL): Hey. Looking for trans? Got trans here. Get your trans. 

GK: But on the whole science is triumphant.

TR (HIGH BRIT): Thanks to our transfat ban, average life expectancy has risen by 18 months in the past two years. (MUTED CHEERING)

GK: So people can now expect an additional year and a half of life.

SS (OLD LADY): Oh boy. Quite a deal. Another year and a half I get to sit here in the Home and play Scrabble. Can't remember the simplest words anymore so the game takes all day, but anyway it's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

GK: And then comes the inevitable news....


TR: A government study released today shows that a diet of lentils leads to lentil illness which significantly increases a person's chances of becoming deaf as a stone.

FN (OLD): What'd he say? I didn't catch that.

SS (OLD): He said to leave your left prosthesis alone.

FN (OLD): My what?

SS (OLD):  Who is she?

FN (OLD): Who?


GK: And so onward we go, a small step forward and two steps to the side, and one step back, and a big leap ahead. It's why we want longevity. So we can see---- (W. FN ECHOES) ---- what comes next. (THEME UP AND OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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